mintcar

hellooo

2012-01-05T17:51:00.000-08:00

hello? is anybody out there?

oh, you're still reading this? wow. i love you guys!

sorry i have been gone for so long. don't worry, i am okay. actually, i'm pretty good!

i will turn this blog to private in a few weeks. yes, it's exceeded its usefulness, plus i really like tumblr. also, virtually all my creative-slash-publishing energy these last few years went into grad school and work. ennui and neglect builds a miasma of decay over a blog so bad it can't be rescued. it's like a house that has that killer mold. better just tear it down. or, what's that word? entropy.

please move your links to owlycorps.tumblr.com. careful, it's more personal and could be even more boring than this blog. no cool links or anything, yet. if you want occasional cool pictures i am up at owly.tumblr.com. see ya!

2011-09-19T12:49:00.001-07:00

It has to be the saddest thing to see your mom cry over your break-up.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2011-09-15T17:58:00.001-07:00

I am laying in bed as I write this. My joints are inflamed and my leg, hip, and lower back muscles are in incredible pain.

I started to think again, as I do everyday, about the situation I am in and when or if I will (or should) move back to New York.

Since about 6 months ago I began to hate every day of my life. I hate living each day without being able to do what I wish without physical discomfort or pain. I hate being away from my friends and loved ones. I hate postponing my dreams without knowing whether or not I would ever be able to resume them. I hate this because I never chose this. I cry every day. I recall a time when it wasn't like this, so I grieve the loss of a time when I didn't to suffer like this. I grieve what it was like to be unburdened by having to daily meticulously plan paths, meals, rest, treatments, preventions. I grieve what it was like to not worry that deviating from this plan won't cause another flare and lead to living with even greater suffering and even greater loss. This is not what people my age are meant to be doing. I feel old. I feel left behind.

Perhaps I have not adapted to this kind of life. Maybe if I adapted I would no longer cry. Perhaps I would no longer complain. But, I don't think so. Everybody suffers, but suffering is in degrees. In this period of my life, and perhaps for years or decades, my physical suffering is and will be greater than that of most of my peers.

Some say to overcome difficult mental and physical states is a matter of mental and inner strength. I would agree. But I doubt anyone is ever truly prepared for or is able to transcend chronic pain and fatigue and the isolation it brings. I might learn to live with it graciously, but not a single day would I ever have wished for this challenge and what it has done to my life. I would not wish this life on my worst enemy.

With this weight, I feel my earlier love of life has slowly dissolved. I feel, as they say, a mere shell of who I was, empty of dreams and empty of aspirations.

Can I learn to love my life? Can I learn to find greater pleasure in small things? When it seems the big things are beyond my grasp?

I am not without hope. Whatever is happening in me now will bear fruit in some dimension. My values hold it true. That I am alive is the truth. Sight, taste, touch, sound, movement ... thought, memory, word.

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2011-08-22T01:27:00.001-07:00

The anguish from starting something, losing energy to continue, then forgetting what it is I was doing in the first place ... My brain and body betray me ...

How does one learn to accept one's failing body when one has been taught success is through willpower over the body? This illness trumps willpower. I need to cede.

Letting go and accepting ... the harder you try, the less it happens.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2011-08-07T22:33:00.001-07:00

Inner resources dangerously low. Necessities:

- to be relieved of all responsibilities in order to heal

- to retreat

- to hibernate in solitude and quiet

Thank you for your patience and kindness, dear friends.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Lame

2011-08-05T11:42:00.001-07:00

People who use fashion as a method of ethnic tourism through American-centric definitions of Otherness, and the illusion of innocence, naivete and preciousness of noble savagery in craft, etc.

People who actually believe in A simpler time, a simpler place -- ie via American heritage collections, "ethnic" dabbling (as described above) which white washes / enforces social conditions and power structures that perpetuate oppression and exploitation.

People who buy into the idea of "charitable fashion," a quite slimy marketing strategy of generating profits.

These are just a few of the really gross things I find in fashion, amongst some of the obvious (crass materialism and culture of consumption, perpetuating self-loathing via idealized body images, perpetuation of the white ideal, perpetuation of gender norms, environmental waste, etc etc).

How to build a collection of works that move beyond and oppose these systems whilst being able to survive and thrive?

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keeping it real

2011-07-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

Just when I was about to feel bad about all the bitchin and moanin on this blog, (in case anyone reads it besides myself and maybe my mom -- sorry, mom), I caught word from the twitters of a great entry from This Ain't Livin' blog entitled "Why Disability Matters: Supercrips and Accomodations" (excerpt):

There are a lot of complex issues bound up in the identity of the supercrip, and one of the hazards of it is that, whether you are willing to be used this way or not, you will be used as a weapon to beat other people with disabilities. Some supercrips definitely feed into this, as is evident from the way they talk about disability. They frame it very much as a personal problem that can be overcome with enough effort and they make a point of stressing that they owe their success to not being ‘coddled’ by petty things like accommodations. They suggest that other people with disabilities are not toeing the line, and it’s ok, you can ignore them, really. Tough love.

Other supercrips, though, are just natural outliers who happen to be disabled. Not every nondisabled person can be a star athlete, and we don’t take Olympians as evidence that everyone should be able to complete incredible feats of athleticism. But incredibly accomplished disabled people? They are taken as evidence that other disabled people are failures. If they weren’t, they could be running businesses and sailing around the world and competing in athletic events and doing other fantastic and amazing things ...

The supercrip is used as evidence that people don’t need accommodations, they just need to try harder. That, in fact, denying accommodations is perversely for the good of the person with the disability—you see, if you weren’t coddled along, you’d be able to have some self determination and do something that matters in the world.

And, from the article in Bitch Magazine referenced in this entry ...

Supercrip is the Good Cripple taken to dizzying, perhaps nauseating heights, and chances are, if you’ve had any exposure to media depictions of disability at all, you have been exposed to this trope. Supercrip has been, in his and her various iterations, sunny, kind, overachieving, possesses a “can-do” attitude, and does AMAZING! and INSPIRING! things and can thus "overcome” his or her disability. Supercrip’s personality traits overlap quite a bit with those of the Good Cripple, but above all, Supercrip’s main function is to serve as inspiring to the majority while reinforcing the things that make this majority feel awesome about itself. In short: Supercrip provides a way for non-disabled folks to be “inspired” by persons with disabilities without actually questioning—or making changes to—how persons with disabilities are treated in society ...

Disability activist and writer Lorenzo W. Milam expands upon the Supercrip stereotype in a passage from CripZen: A Manual For Survival: “Less obvious, but more hurtful, is what we call the Roosevelt Syndrome—scaling great heights, smiling…becoming SuperCrip, convincing everyone that there is nothing going on inside, nothing at all.” Nevermind whatever anger, rage, sadness, or less-than-positive thoughts you may have; if you are a person with a disability, you are expected to be just a canvas onto which non-disabled people can project their need for “inspiration.”

Excellent, excellent must reads for anyone feeling that they or their disabled friend/relative/etc are just not trying hard enough to get better or to "stay positive" ...

Just keeping it real.

2011-07-23T23:29:00.000-07:00

The trouble with this disease that I have is that no one really sees it. I'm not in a hospital bed (usually). I get around fairly normally, and don't use any visible accessories like a cane, chair, eye patch, tubes. I don't have a crazy cough or things on my skin. I have hair enough on my head. The major thing for me is ... I am tired ... all ... the ... time. I can muster perhaps 3-6 max low to medium energy level hours of work per day. The rest, I'm out, lying down, exhausted, ready to sleep. Another quantitative example -- the other day, I went 17 hours without rest (half of which was just "hanging out" with friends I hadn't seen in a long time) and it took about half a week of zero energy (resting all day, no work) to recover.

The other trouble is that I'm usually so happy and upbeat when I do get to see friends. You see, I am really, really good at hiding any exhaustion. Usually, if I'm exceptionally tired I avoid people (unavoidable at work). But when I can (even though I might be low energy), I will push it up a notch and be quite happy, chatty, friendly. I will hang. Because of this, people make the assumption that everything is great or at least normal-ish and manageable all of the time. SO WRONG. (I'm absolutely sure the long lost friends I met with the other day still have absolutely NO idea how much this illness affects my life).

I think because of my tendency (a kinda life-long one at that) to push it and put on a good face, a lot of the people closest to me have never understood the truth. Because they have never seen the OTHER SIDE. The other side consisting of -- not being able to work full-time; if on a deadline (more often in nyc) and working more than usual, the passing out and the sheer exhaustion from a typical workday; the turning down hang outs and get togethers CONSTANTLY to stay in bed; after a work week, staying in bed all weekend long just to go back to work the next week; and the overwhelming build up of stress from lack of time dedicated to recovering/relaxing from the stress of work and daily life.

And then ... the rest of the OTHER SIDE. Partly of which is: profound fear of the future. Constant worry. What is going to happen when it really gets bad again? If this is as much "remission" as I'm going to get, how will I survive? Will I be on permanent disability? Will I lose my health insurance at some point? Will I have to pay for my $1000+ meds per month out of pocket, plus health insurance payments on disability? Will I ever have the energy or support to have my own family? Is my career on permanent hold or totally dissolving? Will I be financially solvent? What if my "back-up" runs out and there is no more back-up?

The only things I can do seem to be the following: Focus on the present. Treat my body not just well, but as if it were my precious child (when it's tired -- SLEEP, feed her only good stuff, be slow and patient, pace herself, etc). Be exceptionally frugal. Save as much as I possibly can. Get involved only with stuff that gives me joy, and DON'T get involved with stuff that gives me stress no matter how obligated I feel. (Perhaps that means detaching from people and situations that are harmful). Enjoy myself in what ways I can ... and then ... figure out what I'm going to do next to feed, shelter, and clothe myself ...

Anyway, it seems like no matter what is or what will be, because I have so little energy to expend, I spend much more time to carefully calculate every major endeavor before I begin it ...

2011-07-07T02:39:00.000-07:00

dear diary, i broke down tonight, thinking of everything i lost. i lost my energy. i lost closeness to my dearest friends. i lost the shape of my future. i lost my dreams. i am a non-contributing member of society; practically worthless, a waste - for all that effort put into raising me, in what would be my peak years, i am useless. i will never work full time again. i have no energy to support others, no energy to support myself. i might never have my own family. i lost a future. all my goals are gone, all my dreams are dead.

my family is alive. my friends are alive. i am young. there are drugs. i have my limbs, voice, sight. there is art. there is nature. there is loneliness, solitude. nothing more. dying. is-ing, breathing.

2011-07-05T10:47:00.000-07:00

This morning is one of those strange, placid mornings you know mean something is coming.

The world does not wait for the weak.

This illness has ruined my life.

I do not live a day without feeling pain.

Why would I want to continue living if it will be like this for the rest of my life.

I do not want to be here, I do not want to be here, I do not want to be here, I do not want to be here, I do not want to be here, I do not want to be here, I do not want to be here, I do not want to be here.

There is no cure, there is only management. F-ck you, too.

Anger is not a healthy emotion. It hurts other people to see you sad. Get yourself fixed.

F-ck you, especially.

I know how you feel. Do you have a chronic illness, physical or mental, that impedes your goals, potential, and dreams day after day? But you have a great imagination and can imagine what it's like? Then, I'm sorry, I don't think so. It's one of those I appreciate your concern, but get the f-ck out of my face kind of mornings.

2011-07-01T02:55:00.000-07:00

This is a letter that has been anonymously floating around the internet for years.

I have moderate to severe endometriosis, and well here it goes…

Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about chronic pain and its affects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed.

In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand:

These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me.

Please understand that being sick doesn’t mean I’m not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, sometimes I’m not much fun to be with, but I’m still me– stuck inside this body. I still worry about school, my family, my friends, and most of the time, I’d like to hear you talk about yours too.

Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy.” When you’ve got the flu, you probably feel miserable with it, but, I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time. In fact, I work hard not being miserable. So, if your talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that I’m not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I’m getting better, or, any of those things. Please don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!” or “But, you look so healthy!” I am merely coping. I am sounding happy and trying to look “normal.” If you want to comment on that, you’re welcome.

Please understand that being able to stand up for ten minutes doesn’t necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes or an hour. Just because I managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn’t mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you’re paralyzed and can’t move. With this one, it gets more confusing everyday. It can be like a yo yo. I never know from day to day how I am going to feel when I wake up. In most cases, I never know from minute to minute. This is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.

Thats what chronic pain does to you.

Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It’s quite possible (for many, it’s common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I’ll have trouble getting to the next room. Please don’t attack me when I’m ill by saying ” You did it before” or “oh I know you can do this!” If you want me to do something, ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able, please try to always remember how very lucky you are to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.

Please understand that the “getting out and doing things” does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. You don’t know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me that I need exercise, or do some things to “get my mind off of it” may frustrate me to tears and is not correct. If I was capable of doing some things any or all of the time, don’t you think I would?
I am working with my doctor and I am doing what I am supposed to do.

Another statement that hurts is: “You just need to push yourself more, try harder.” Chronic pain can affect the whole body or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can’t always read it on my face or in my body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn’t you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.

Please understand that if I have to sit down, lie down, stay in bed, or take these pills now, that probably means that I do have to do it right now. It can’t be put off of forgotten just because I’m somewhere or I in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.

If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don’t. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. Lord knows that isn’t true. In all likelihood if you’ve heard of it or tried it, so have I. In some cases, I have been made sicker, not better. This can involve side effects or allergic reactions. It also has includes failure, which in and of itself can make me feel even lower. If there was something that cured, or even helped people with my form of chronic pain, then we’d know about it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. If something worked, we would KNOW. Its definitely not for lack of trying. If, after reading this, you still feel the need to suggest a cure, then so be it. I may take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.

If I seem touchy, its probably because I am. It’s not how I try to be. As a matter of fact, I try very hard to be “normal.” I hope you will try to understand my situation unless you have been in my shoes, but as much as possible, I am asking you to try to be understanding in general.

In many ways I depend on you — people who are not sick. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out. Sometimes I need you to help me with the shopping, cooking or cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor or to the store. You are my link to normalcy. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of my life that I miss and fully intend to undertake again, just as soon as I am able.

I know that I ask a lot from you, and I thank you for listening. It really does mean a lot.

2011-06-25T18:08:00.000-07:00

this chick knows what's up! i also love her voice ... it is like the opposite of werner herzog. ha!

machu picchu

2011-06-25T17:43:00.000-07:00

i had a horrible day with cellcept. i stop taking it (i get my kicks from non-compliance) for months off and on. though i have been on 500 mg for almost a good year now, i am not going to get off until the end of the year. (which will mark three years since my last big flare and three years on treatment this time around).

today was exhausting. i seriously got knocked out by this med, and whenever stuff like that happens (health stuff i didn't predict would be so bad and then is that bad), i get super depressed. and all in all feel very lonely and small. i googled "so tired from cellcept" to see who else out there was feeling like this and came up with a lot of links i'd actually been to before, including a forum of transplant patients scared of losing their organs on generic cellcept, people losing hair, people warning each other to get their kidney and liver enzymes checked, fearing brain diseases that the drug makes you more likely to get. after about ten minutes of this i had to shut down that little iphone screen and turn my head away. i forget when you go looking for company / the companionship of shared exeriences on the internet, you often don't know what you will find. beware, it can be frightening.

now, being nice to myself and taking things in perspective and reading my blogs in the quiet of this empty house i am a-ok. added one thing i'd like to do before i die: visit machu picchu. (i got that from the erie basin tumblr). who wants to go?

2011-06-25T17:25:00.000-07:00

i love the deformities ...

(from)

2011-06-14T12:29:00.000-07:00

"it's the only way i can be aggresive"

horizon, yes; overstimulated, no.

from unchanging window

2011-06-09T02:35:00.001-07:00

Dear body,

I love you, but why do you still produce so many autoantibodies? I tried to run half an hour with you today, but a few hours later you started breaking down. I saw protein in your urine. I felt your excruciating pain, especially in your legs and knees, but most of all a deep profound fatigue, an ache. I knew you were crying. So I tried to get you to rest, but you would not lay down. You were so anxious and agitated. You were so scared this pain and failure to exert yourself will be a permanent fixture.

But I promise it won't. Well, honestly I can't promise anything, but pain is not all there is in life. You gotta remember. I'll keep you distracted. Maybe you want a bite of this? Maybe you'd like some more sips of water? Don't worry, I'll take good care of you.

No, this thing you got ... it makes you needy, but it's not your fault. There's no cure, but there's nothing we can't go through together. And who knows - science might pull through in the end! And to really take it to the final conclusion - there's no cure for death. And that's something we aren't afraid of.

I'll always be here for you. I promise. If you need anything, just let me know. No, actually, I'll watch over you like a hen to a slightly runty, semi-disabled chick. You don't even have to say anything ... I'll know. Well, I'll try my darnedest. Now, you have to get some rest. I love you.

Jean

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2011-03-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

retrouver ce média sur www.ina.fr

A NEW TASK 8/?

2011-03-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

6/20/2010
day in the life of

Day in the life ... design phase

8:30 am Alarm rings. Snooze.
8:45 am Snooze.
9:00 am Snooze.
9:15 am Fuck My Life, this Fucking Sucks. Contemplate quitting job.

9:45 am
Amble through piles of clothes, trying to put together a decent outfit that somewhat fits the aesthetic of my company (and not be too "edgy"). Don't know why I do this, I am such a fucking square at this point. Wash up and maybe put on some mascara. No makeup otherwise. Pack my work suitcase, which is a black tote bag. Think about best shoes, put them on, then rush.

9:50 am
Grab muffin from Cranberry's. Pumpkin or banana, whichever they happen to have that morning. Catch the A at High Street.

10: 05 am
Roll into work (studio) huffing and puffing (it is a 6 story walk up). Give breathy "hi's" to whomever might be there and throw my bag down on top of plastic bins of vintage shoes. Throw jacket over rolly chair, could be eames, not really sure. Resume whatever I was doing last on iMac (the same big one i have at home ... wow it's like never leaving, i stare at this giant screen so much could i be getting some kind of radiation?). Interns roll in; give interns jobs to do. Work and steadily be interrupted by random convo between all the other employees and boss, phone calls and emails from vendors (print sources, fabric peeps), production suppliers, etc. Random spreadsheets for production. Give boss designs / sketches / discuss concepts and tasks to accomplish at random throughout the day. Pull shoes, pull old collection items, pull images from the web, from books, from magazines. Draw like my life depended on it. Pages and pages of drawings. If i am lucky, i don't have to go to Midtown because it means i won't be back until the end of the day, and will still have more to do at studio.

2:30 pm
Get some random ass salad again from Whole Foods or Amish Market. Walk right back and eat it at the desk while working.

Review random jobs from interns, wonder how much i am exploiting unpaid labor under the aegis of my boss and the entire industry, and keep telling myself "well, if they didn't want it, they wouldn't be here. if they didn't want it, they wouldn't be here." Try to remember when this whole thing was such a fascinating experience and believe it is the same feeling for them. Heh heh. Get a look from my boss telling me to work them harder.

6/21/2010
i'm really loving this alone time!! i finally get my computer all to myself (no bf hogging it for autocad or some photo editing shit)!! also:

1 i can listen to mariah carey all night really fucking loud!

2 i can leave my makeup all over the bathroom and know exactly where everything is the next day because it hasn't been touched!

3 no stinky boy smell anywhere!

7/12/2010
though crazy muggy, it was all in all a great day.

one thing that really breaks my heart thinking of possibly leaving this job (if it is too hard on my body) is my co-workers, who are all great friends. i don't think i've ever worked anywhere where i can say "i work with a bunch of the sweetest women in the world." of course everyone works like a mofo, but it's also really easy to chill besides. i deem myself quite lucky in that regard.

one of the things i really need to figure out how to make happen (is something probably very simple for a lot of people) is to save up enough energy to go out more. i've really been missing too many trips and hang outs. it's kind of frustrating to think that i'm flaky as pie, but that's the problem with not being able to tell how much energy you'll have by the end of a work week. it's painfully hard to make "plans for thursday," without getting worried that that will be the day i pushed too hard and burned out and really need more sleep, away from having to summon the energy to have lively and engaged conversation or overstimulation. if you haven't thought about it, a lively hang out session is very energy intensive, even if you aren't really doing anything.

11/15/2010
Self-intervention: I have to come face to face with how I am really really bad at responding to calls and emails. Guess my excuse before was I really was loaded with work, and then just exhausted after work, so it was hard to squeeze them in there. (I also have this weird thing where if I am feeling bad physically I find it unbearably difficult to write or socialize -- partly that socializing is exhausting, partly mental fog, and partly I don't want to have to talk about it). But now I have all this so-called free time, what the hell is going on? Now, these last few weeks, I actually haven't had that much free time. With moving, getting settled again (still not settled), working pretty much almost full-time again (almost accidentally), adjusting to a new and weird workplace with new and weird people, at the same time feeling pulled between too much work here and getting assignments from rc, and THEN feeling the residual exhaustion from the ny move ... well, I need to cut myself some slack. So, it still takes me days to respond to emails. So what!

A NEW TASK 7/?

2011-03-25T13:29:00.000-07:00

more unpublished drafts from the recent past ...

5/13/2010
privacy

i am so jealous of all those great blogs out there (so fucking many now - i am thinking back to 2004 - oh how the internets have changed)! i don't have any time to cultivate this blog in that way. maybe i could post some items now and then, but since starting work, i feel like anything i pick up relates to work, which becomes information held in confidence. i can't share that work because it doesn't belong only to me anymore. which reminds me i don't do any work for me, myself, and i anymore. not that i have a problem with that, but i guess i feel like my life becomes more and more private every day. i like it!

anyhow, the reason for this post written in this rambling manner is because of an article i read in the nyt (my sole source of information about the outside world still [besides nymag] it seems - not related to movies or fashion). it's about these like 19 year old dudes with a vision of utopia (ok maybe i am putting words into their mouths) - man versus the corporation known as facebook; privacy versus panopticon. their spirit is titillating to anyone with a bit of that rebel in them, and they've riled up more than a few geek libertarians, considering they've surpassed their seed capital goal of $10,000 twelve-fold on kickstarter. i mean, i don't know how much other projects on kickstarter have raised in the past, but it sounds pretty impressive.

i hate facebook only when you're having an extra shitty day and your news feed seems to be nothing but a filthy lot of pollyannas. also, how weird it is to get these one-way communications from people, some of whom you barely know. the usual complaints. however, i do think the crap they do with the privacy stuff is HELLA SHADY. i don't trust them at all. i wanted to "deactivate" my account (since you can't actually delete it - SHADY!!!) but then b convinced me i should stay on it purely for the critical mass

i think i am right to be paranoid about internet security. the side stating non-anonymity-accountability has some points, but still does not seem to overshadow these companies are owned by entities who might not have your best interests in mind.

5/14/2010
weighing myself

i really really really need to cut down on the salt intake.

i am actually underweight for my height (in a positive term: thin), so people tend to wonder why i watch my weight so carefully. i keep an electric scale next to my bed, and i weigh myself each morning and evening. i am far from any sort of eating disorder, as i am a ferocious eater and would never give a shit about my weight if i didn't have to. unfortunately, i have to monitor it closely because it gives me an idea of my water retention.

a dietician told me a persons weight will fluctuate 2 to 3 pounds a day from eating and drinking. when you you fluctuate 5 pounds (ie gain 5 pounds), something's kind of wrong. for me, these 5 pounds usually mean i've been eating too much salt and/or i've been overworking myself and my kidneys want to kill themselves. it's water retention. my base weight is generally 100 to 101 pounds after a nice round of diuretics. the last few days i've been hovering around 105. it seems like small fry, but it is 5% of my body weight, like gaining a i wake up feeling swollen and my ankles are visibly swollen. so -- i will take some diuretics, feel the shitty side effects for a few days (aching muscles, overall flu-ish incoherence, dehydration), and get that weight down.

if i really want to facilitate it, i'd cut out most of my salt intake (no eating out AT ALL) for a week, do sweaty aerobics every day, and take long saunas (that sounds nice). unfortunately, none of the latter happens. so i take diuretics. but at the very last moment (four times last month - a great progress!). i read if you take them for a long time, your kidneys can become dependent, which is kind of scary, but i figure it is better to not overtax my body retaining all this fluid than take a water pill once a week. i think i should ask my doctor about this ... also, HOWEVER, constant weight fluctuation is also bad ... so ... something's got to happen about this.

See why I didn't publish these? These things are horribly BORING to read! This blog is meant to light fare, so once I became incapable of composing levity, it went away.

6/6/2010
something i fear constantly is the

when someone acts uncompassionately, i find it usually means a lack of understanding and a good, clear-headed explanation gives them enough reason to open up. sometimes it takes years and years. and other times, there's no more reason to exert the effort - let it be.

What am I talking about in such vague terms?? Beats me, but it is a nice thought.

7/2/2010

i finally went to a dr's appt (three months since the last)! i've been making excuses and missing past appointments, failing to reschedule, etc etc. each time it's a sordid reminder of something being wrong with me, very specifically, down to the tiny measures of protein and blood complements. however, none of it quantifies actual physical qualities of being sick (or not optimally well). from my blood and urine tests last month, i learn my 24-hr protein's pretty much plateaued around 200 mg, the complements are still low, a-dsDNA is still loopy. on top of that, my nephrologist decides to tell me now i should be careful and see all my other specialists to check for cancers because my meds make em all more likely to grow ... skin, cervical, what have you. i'm almost sure there are millions of little mutating cells throughout my body. i picture my white blood cells getting high and lazying about as the little creeps bandy and riot. it's kind of cute.

i asked my dr if he has nephritis patients who are able to work full time (aka resume normal life). according to my numbas (that god forsaken lab sheet from which we try to wring some clues) i am ok. by all accounts, i should be a fully functioning adult. but why am i not?

now i wonder if it has to do with my sleep quality? i have had crazy insomnia for a long time. i know have completely empty spaces in my memory, and i will not be able to recall timelines. especially when i am fatigued, i will have incredible trouble remembering anything. but trying to reclaim those memories are futile and useless.

A NEW TASK 6/?

2011-03-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

The beginning of 2010 really begins with fashion week.

2/12/2010
we found out about the death of Alexander McQueen just as we were entering the show space yesterday. shocking considering he is at the peak, coming out of a spring collection everyone is still talking about. losing this man so early is one of the greatest tragedies to culture.

suicide is a violent way to die. we talked about how people who were stopped before jumping off bridges were grateful to have been thwarted. but suicide is also a way to control the ending of your life.

3/12/2010
it has been a very hectic past few weeks, with more than a few tales of the hospital. i hope for a strong recovery for everyone, though i know it takes time ... i'm happy to say that b and i are managing a mini all-indoors, limited space exercise regimen involving core exercises. i've also thrown some yoga and ballet warm-ups into the mix, and it really gets the energy up.

4/2/2010
since some friends have been having this working for mass-market / high-street conversation for a while, i thought it would be great to get some more advice:

"To add: A friend of mine designs the entire N.D.C. brand that is loved on these boards. He has an MA from the RCA in London

He worked at Decathlon (pile it high sell it cheap) French budget sports brand for a long time, then at Lacoste.

No one will think any less of you for working in the mass market. It won't taint or soil you! It doesn't bother my high end clients. People in the trade know better than that!

absolutely, working for the mass market helps 'grounding' a designer on practical issues like costs, sourcing, co-ordination and deadlines.
it also helps to learn how to work in the speed of light, not too much time to philosophise or take your time..
i find this an excellent experience for young designers who one day would like to move upstream or to create their own line.."

4/17/2010
there are some days i am so exhausted, i like to blame everything on what i am doing, and wonder why i am engrossed in an field so commercial, so narcissistic, etc etc. i like to think how branding everything, branding the Self, starts to create little monsters that are obsessions with persona, and while it's fun and funny to think about all these things, it gets exhausting.

another is, i never thought it very important to accumulate possessions, and sometimes have had great distaste for it, but i see this industry run on the fuel of this, every day. all the playing with codes and identity and it being a form of creation kind of loses its pleasure whenever i see the kind of greed / desire that it encourages and kind of has to happen to stay alive. (i would give some stories here, but maybe another time). perhaps it comes down to, i hate a hard sell and don't have respect for those who lie and call it an image thing.

Of course, this all just one side of the equation. When I delve into the work, words cannot express the pleasure I get from my job.

Anyway, a lot of my posts this year become very long, kind of dreary, and unpublished. As a result of tapering off the steroids? Accepting the magnitude of managing my poor health?

5/1/2010
I might change course on this blog and keep a running log of ailments. I read somewhere that having a disease like lupus is a part-time job. A part-time job all about taking care of yourself -- and I've never been intrigued by the prospects of having a job devoted entirely to the maintenance of my body. It makes me think of overwelming levels of either introspection and self-analysis or treating your body as an object to be utterly controlled. But ignorance is far more dangerous.

And since it fundamentally defines my life, I thought I should be gathering some notes in one place, not in fifteen notebooks and scraps of paper, much of it written in steroid induced manic scrawl. It could be helpful to see some progress and development, track any good findings from research and experiments, and just vent. While I have made some major upheavels in the last few years, the most relevent and important have been matters of health. Not design or politics or ... Career has been thrown into the mix, but oh how I wish I had the luxury to devote all my time to getting healthy. I think I could write volumes, personal encyclopedias.

Here is the blunt fact: I have the most serious form of lupus, type 4. The other fact is science knows very little about it's progression. I don't know if I should be working at all, except that at this moment I can without incredible pain, and loss of livelihood gives me anguish, so I do. I lack a lot of the so-called classic symptoms like skin rashes, arthritic pain and fatigue, but I have inflamed organs that make me at varying times painfully swollen, incapable of organizing thought, have chest pain, and have no desire to feed myself, which then gives me fatigue. My kidneys are wimpy. But I can work! But the other side is I have not reached remission and am still on a ton of drugs and it probably has something to do with the working. I also met briefly a woman who is a fashion designer with the same disease (type 4) and she is on the verge of death. I don't know about her lifestyle and the manifestations of her disease - lupus is a real f'in mystery how it moves - but the thought of dying at 43 scares the crap out of me.

In any case, I am having a bit of insomnia from some of these things, but there are really great things going on in my life as well. The fact is, no matter how great things are going or not going, it doesn't last. I started reading all these Buddhist books (Yes! You might become more "spiritual" when stuff like this goes on, but it's very practical) and I like to think about treating bad stuff that heads my direction in a kinder way. I might not like what's happening but let me shift my mind a little ... And take it as it is. Whereas in another manner I could beat myself up over not having fulfilled any of my goals that I set for myself at this age, feel bad that I can't keep up with any of my friends levels of energy, feel angry that I am sick and it never goes away, and feel ashamed that I am burden on others, etc etc etc. This is my chance to really stop judging myself harshly and by irrelevent measures.

If I don't have physical health, at least try to have other kinds of health. That would be good.

On that note, I will go to sleep.

Ps I am really excited to start this new segment of my blog and I hope you will find it useful too.

A NEW TASK 5/?

2011-03-25T13:07:00.000-07:00

Now, these are some drafts composed after my second flare hit (coming out of remission with a vengeance):

1/17/2009
I have to religiously apply sunscreen and care for the health of my skin (which is its own organ, you know!), even though I don't most of the time. I weigh myself at least twice a day to check my water weight. I spend a lot of money on food and spend a lot of time cooking. Lots and lots of things I never gave a second thought to before are a part of my routine now.

This is a good sign. I am starting to do a lot more research on the lupus literature at this point. Slowly but surely ... but after this point, blog posting becomes quite scarce for various reasons. One is juggling school and a serious illness, and acclimating to the curtailed lifestyle of a semi-invalid. The other is the mind-fucking properties of steroids, which I like to equate to one long, continuous horrible drug trip that doesn't end, especially not in my sleep ... for over one year.

Mid-year, things get better. But we are also living in a place we no longer want to live in for various reasons that are too triggering to be divulged at the moment Anyhoo ... the summer of 2009 is quite nice it seems. Come fall, there an unposted reflection / summary:

9/1/2009
i've been in new york for a little less than a year now. in this year, obama became president as a man who tells the truth, american banking was called out as fraud, and in new york, the the summer never came. i also started school again after four years, overworked myself and had a flare in my illness, and (i wouldn't say "braved", but maybe ...) got dished my first really snowy winter without coming prepared with adequate boots.

it takes time to adapt to a new environment, but this was more of a jolt than living in a country where i couldn't read the written word. (sometimes living in a place so familiar but is new to you is more jarring than finding yourself in another country where you are obviously an outsider, right?) ah ... being an outsider! of course, starting school again after four years has something to do with it. and, it's also that i haven't found much time to relax. this town managed to call forth a number of my vices (working obsessively, not eating, among all sorts of misogyny and self-misogynies). well, i got it out at the start (let's hope it's purge before the really good stuff starts happening)! being in fashion, a place rife with people insecure about themselves based on really stupid things (to an attenuated degree) - another maze to navigate? (can't really find the right metaphors anymore) ... if anything, i've been super lucky to figure out a lot of things about ... things ... purely by contrast. at the same time, i have found some friends and have been able to work with absolutely awesome people who i deeply admire.

October finds me deep pining again for San Francisco / California in general. And then we zip ahead to the following year, when I am on break ...

2/3/2010
after being fucking exhausted pretty much the entire time i've been back from california, i decided to let today be a day of unabashed internet surfing, one of my true pleasures in life. and, i hate the feeling of left-hanging after leaving all those entries in my google reader checked "saved" for later. there's nothing like the delight of unearthing cultural gems to wash away the numbness you've developed from over-exposure to fashion chaos (and mixing metaphors). if i see another person acting chipper when they're mean or talk about editorial dressing, i will heave my body out the nearest window!!

Save Now

A NEW TASK 4/?

2011-03-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

And more drafts to ponder:

7/24/2008
FIN!

Friends,

Counting down: I have a little over seven days left at a job that I despise. Perhaps the most wretched job I have ever had in my life (which really says a lot about my lack of work misery in general -- thank my lucky stars). All's I have to say is: FREEEEEDOM! I CAN ALMOST TASTE IT!

As they say, what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger. If suffering's inversely correlated with strength, then I will have enough muscle to lift a three story building after I get through with this job. Being treated as if I were an idiot, being totally unable to use any creative muscle, and working with divas and slackers simultaneously are among the choice joys of this position. On the other hand, I picked up a knack for fitting variously shaped things onto tiny shelves. Also, I'm pretty impervious to screaming bosses now as well as bugging the crap out of people to get work done, which might prove handy in the future.

I'm so happy to have this five month period come to a close, not a second too soon. A few days afterwards, I think the emotional numbness will melt, and slowly but surely, a sense of levity and pleasure in activities I once enjoyed will return. So, let's grab a drink (or an ice cream cone, if you prefer)! And let's go dancing!!

6/22/2008
i know this might not be the correct time to think about jackets, what with all this abominable climate change, but i am a sucker for dolman sleeves. looking at long coats and layers also serves as a popsicle for my mind; it can transport me to a cooler season ... or better, a cooler planet.

Just saying, I am glad I did not publish this.

9/18/2008
fun!

first day of internship!

(soho) showroom -> bank -> fedex -> manufacturing -> (garment district) lining warehouse -> manufacturer -> stock warehouse -> jewelry manufacturer -> 2nd manufacturer -> stock warehouse

in between, i had few minutes to stop by olive's for a corn muffin and picked up all my bobbin stuff at panda trim for sewing class. woot!

congrats to d on opening ceremony!!!

I am happy to come across this one. I forgot how exciting it was to be introduced into this world, and how it did not ever feel like drudgery, since I was learning so much and seeing so many new things. Recently I am always reluctant to send interns out on massive tasks like this because i don't want them to feel exploited, etc etc.

10/17/2008
to do

mail absentee ballot application
install fcp

cut samples for croquis (due: 3 days)
buy oil pastels, etc

move auntie's furniture to studio (due: end of month)
work on rc studio design

assemble bike
mail gifts
frame prints

find good to-do app on itunes that doesn't cost $9.99!

11/24/2008
things and solitude

some good things lately:

jonathan's birthday (happy bday, baby bro)
'taking over' - danny hoch at the public
bookbook brooklyn
steven alan massive sweater accumulation
figuring out the right bundled-up to wind chill ratio to stay warm outdoors

not so good things lately:

it irritates me when people complain about things that are not any form of suffering at all. if they would stay quiet, the world (or at least, i) would surely appreciate the reduction in noise pollution.

on the other hand, i read in the huffingtonpost (which i am actively starting to wean myself off of, post-election) this lifestyle article explaining that we exhaust a lot of energy in restraint (ok, no matthew barney references) -- whether it's pretending to be nice to those we would rather tell off, or making ourselves cut back on the calories. i suppose deciding between self indulgence and respect for others is the fine balancing act of a socially functioning individual. or at times, for those like myself, hermetitude (not a real word) is a more enticing and even necessary alternative.

solitude. karl lagerfeld does it.

Is this the point at which more and more posts become "lists"?

A NEW TASK 3/?

2011-03-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

continued, excerpts from drafts never published:

4/11/2008
i came home and found out ringo can open doors himself!

Ringo is my german shep/lab. Having been abandoned by his family at age 1 (we adopted him from the SPCA) but possessing an above average canine intellect, I would say he is a tormented genius.

5/13/2008
buffalo stance

http://www.slamxhype.com/blogs/d/Adam/2007/11/30/ray-petri

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/11/style/tmagazine/11tpetri.html

http://niwde.blogspot.com/2006/12/ray-petri-buffa-style.html

Paying respects.

3/28/2008
catch-22's :

exercise makes you stronger, but too much makes you sicker.
eat meat to revive your energy, but don't because it'll hurt you.

there are fine lines between everything. they're finer when you're fucked up like i am.

all i fucking heard there was: you can't, you can't, you can't. it's fucking ingrained in my conscious like a perverse mantra.

but

saying no to things doesn't mean you say no to everything.

fuck it. fight it. turn the anger into something bigger. because everything they say means nothing. you make it what you want -- anything you want. fuck anyone else's idea of you -- you can make anything out of anything. no fear, all glory.

Wow! That's pretty embarassing. But I guess everyone has "those voices" now and then, hm?

6/12/2008
i found this dope little site called "friends of p." it's put together by graphic design buddies, inspired by their friend "p," who has lupus. so perfectly, it also comes with a tokyo police club cover of the rentals' "friends of p." (oh weezer!)

"our friend p has lupus, an autoimmune illness which causes her body to fight against its own organs rather than foreign substances. it affects over 1.5 million americans and there is no cure. as friends of p, we hope to raise awareness and funds with the lupus foundation of america for continued research."

what else? there's a tote bag! what!

well, this just made my day when i saw it drop into my google reader via the style press. what would i do without the internets? it makes me so happy to know that even if i'm down, in a quiet room on my laptop, i'm never really alone. (more at lupus & humor, lupus livejournal)

A NEW TASK 2/?

2011-03-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

more snippets from the recent past:

1/23/2008
I've been going through months long phases replacing text with images and images with text.

Not sure what that even means.

2/21/2008
recollections

my first bound print portfolio:

pages: 16, incl cover
paper: neenah classic crest, 80 lb cover, 80 lb text
dimensions: 8" x 10"
binding: black tape bind

Okay, got it.

3 /23/2008
the burden of history is weighed in memories and guilt of unreconciled offences. it's the unspoken and nostalgia you find scrawled in a notebook and an image i imagined pure that is now so tainted i want to destroy it any way i can.

i can't destroy them. i must release them and return them to the time in history they belong --kept, , in the past, no longer able to incapacitate the present.

That's embarassing. Good thing I read "The Piano Teacher" since then and feel fine about being horribly traumatized. (That's hyperbole btw).

3/29/2008
her trove was not just a collection of personal favorites but a work of erudition, having lived through the scene in the early 90s.

Who is this??

A NEW TASK

2011-03-24T00:47:00.000-07:00

i was debating whether or not to shut down this blog permanently, since it started taking a truly personal turn and could be mistaken for some passive aggressive therapy sessions slash just get disgustingly exhibitionist. what about all those weirdos reading this blog out there who know me? but now i think, what the fuck, let my life be fodder for their projections or sick fantasies or whatever. i will just say whatever i feel like on this thing and if it rubs you the wrong way so be it.

first thing i will do is give you some honest updates. obviously i have tried to keep up some sort of appearances at some point, but no more. it's all or nothing now!

ok, nevermind that. first thing i will do is give you some recaps. first, will be some drafts that i never ended posting, from some smidge of hesitation or full blown doubt and embarassment after writing. well, it sounds juicier than it actually is. here are a sampling:

3/23/2011
Things I've learned about myself the last year:

- Dry shampoo is a wonderful wonderful invention, especially for the icy throes of a unheated apartment in winter.

That didn't get too far.

3/5/2011
i have to say i am fuming at a certain apparel/lifestyle corporation popular amongst a youthful hipster demographic that starts with u and ends with -fitters. i designed shoes and handbags for a thing with them and they completely knocked the ideas off for their own label. for some styles, they didn't even bother to change the name! i know in the past we have come across some of their private knock-off contractors in midtown and seen their pattern-makers with OUR garments in hand.

i understand it is a given these mass market corporations thrive on knocking off up market work and on these 'cachet-endowing' collaborations, but it hits too close to home when you see your sketches and ideas being blatantly stolen without any sort of compensation for the small, independent company you work for. well, dog eat dog, i guess. sigh.

Not sure if I am really allowed to write this. Hopefully no one sues me?

8/26/2010
whoa, i never thought i would think about a life decision and hear the theme from bone thugs "crossroads" playing in my head and then think about how relevant it is.
See you at the crossroads, crossroads, crossroads/So you won't be lonely
so, i basically have this crazy opportunity to become a head designer at a fucking awesome label, design entire collections, work with such great coworkers and a hilarious boss, tons of growth, and have things i draw out in pencil become real objects within months.
but, there's a fork in the road. i have this other thought of moving home. back to california.
yes, leave nyc, and this thing i worked at these last two years, and getting to this spot where i am doing what i love, designing everyday, and learning something new - and more importantly, interesting - everyday. on top of that and so, so crucially, away from a bunch of the greatest friends, and all the times to be had.
why? this lifestyle ain't sustainable. i see myself down the line on dialysis and shit. i have a lot of pressure to stay healthy, and at this time, healthy and fashion generally don't mix. it is long ass hours and no vacations. crazy people, politics, frustration, more crazy people, and creation fueled by lots of caffeine, carbs, and well, cigarettes (but not for me!). and sacrifice.

Now you understand how some of these are better to sit on and be edited several months later, but then lose their relevancy somehow in the delay? I am just talking to myself.

6/21/2009
'memba?

lilly and derrick coming to visit
david byrne at prospect park (thanks em)
just hanging out
setagaya with mel and george
someone newly in loooooove ... wink
christmas all over again

i can't remember half the things that happen any more ...

i also missed a lot of stuff, but i guess that's the m.o. these days.

Wow, I don't remember pretty much half of these things. Lilly and Derrick, I do remember you. But the rest fails to be recalled. And that is why I need to update this thing. It is a journal after all.

More up in the next days.

2010-11-25T00:36:00.000-08:00

i was just thinking today how there was a time in '06 netflix was my only meaningful contact with things in the 'outside world' for a while ...

just started getting back into watching films for real. there's too much feeling ...

last few weeks, got into the groove of working truly freelance-remotely (aka no physical contact with the studio at all outside email). it's kind of nice. nice to know i can get back to nyc when i want.

down side is i've come back with the intention of unloading the work and have found myself entirely overloaded again. i have a tall stack of books on my bedside as well. on top of this i will be on netflix more often with this new monitor ...

alternatively my skin feels great and i love eating good food every day for every meal. next up, to start making pickles ...

(just some internal dialogue.)

brother and sis are back, and feels like everything is the same again.

looking forward for los angeles this weekend. wondering which taco trucks to hit up ... though tired and sad, feeling good.

2010-11-13T23:01:00.001-08:00

2010-11-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about work and managing my illness lately.

Last week I went to a local lupus support group. None of the women there were working full-time. One was pushed out of her high-powered job when the office found out about her illness and now she is in a lawsuit with them. Others simply couldn't handle a full-time workload overtime and somehow have managed to make things work, self-employed and able to rest during the work day when they need to. At the support groups in New York, most of the women were still relatively young (20s to 40s), very active in their work (as producers, bankers, designers, agents, etc), but do not divulge their illness in the workplace and some have even found coworkers accepting when they had to be at the hospital for days, even though they did not know for what (and they didn't ask). (I like the discretion and respect for secrecy). But, the truth is we are working in a place that thrives on the workaholics who party and network hard. And some days that catches up, and the worst scenario is fatal or at least seriously crippling.

I know there are those of us out there who simply enjoy working ourselves to exhaustion, in an exhilarating test of strength and will power. But I lose count of the days when I felt I have had to prove my worth on a team, working overnight, series of long days and late nights running on my feet, making chaos somehow coherent, weeks in a row and wake up in pain, dreading arising. You can't be the special one not pulling your weight. This compounded with the angst of staying in the closet about the pain, and no one to genuinely commiserate with. It's pretty fucking lonely.

Of course now it's easier that I've gotten to a place where I can be more open about my disability and make special requests. I still live in fear of fashion week, though, wondering if this is going to be the season I burn? Ah well ... must concentrate on the nice sort of sabbatical now and build up extra stores of vitality and HP before I re-enter the gauntlet. Oh such masochists we are.

mental notes

2010-10-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

this moment:

bright white nail polish

orange juice from almondine

reading novels on iphone (not an ipad!). i've been binging on toni morrison, but bookworming is not so good like this because it means no sleeping. feeling obligated to see everyone before i leave, but i am in the mode of "quietly slipping away," and un-communicativeness except when crucial. i am liking books more than people. (always have?? not sure). most likely it is just distancing myself from the pain of missing loved ones while i am away -- a task very practiced and efficient and prudent around here.

anticipating snow, skiing (depending on my knees), eating with loved ones, generally lolling and bleeding myself of the speed i have grown to love, but am still ambivalent towards. i am afraid of becoming slow (as in dull) and boredom. i am also afraid of falling into old patterns and that things, people, or environments might encourage falling, which i will try my darnedest to prevent by seeing things very new and changed. (which is true!) staying fresh = raison d'etre.

also, travelling. i have no idea what i have in store here, but it will be. working on personal works, reassessing direction and resources, etc etc. there are a lot of things to do, but don't forget that the reason i am moving is for me and my health.

2010-09-14T18:31:00.001-07:00

Today's another day when unhappiness is the word. Every hour before getting my lab results is nerves in anticipation of another bad lab result, and not being able to cope with the possibility that this one could be the one -- the big one -- that sends me to the hospital. No, you can't count on judging your own symptoms; the lab results judge your fate.

And back at home, at the end of the day, after an exceeding exhausting few months, exceptionally stressful and exceptionally momentous, I type in my lab results into this spreadsheet on google docs that helps me track my numbers, while I visualize graphs in my head, trying to chronologize when I was most healthy within this continuum of illness. The numbers say my body has held precariously in the zone preceding true remission and, wavering nervously, is always ready to get worse fast. It keeps me in constant fear.

It's a night that should be soothed with a glass of liquour, but I can't drink. I would have gone out to eat something rich, but I can't eat. Maybe friends could be company, but I am too tired to leave the house and would be exhausted pretending to be in good spirits while lifting lead. I can't attend to anyone else because I am too overwhelmed keeping myself from falling. I wish for these pleasures but there's no way my body can take them. I am disabled. I don't need push myself harder. So what is there to do? Only resting and taking care of myself makes things better.

Work has rewarded me tremendously, but it has taken all my energy away from the things that make me happiest: feeling healthy and having time to spend and care with my loved ones; enjoying the fruits. No dream, no matter how attainable, deserves to be given those parts of my life. I'm taking them back.

2010-09-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

I love it when events turn out way more fun than you expect them to. Lately I've been hemming hawing and being a whiner about going out (every occasion) but tonight, as a case in point, turned out the opposite. It was a sweet little evening in Carroll Gardens. Full on carbs dinner at frankies. Fun times on a cool perfect night. Also we learned Absolut Brooklyn doesn't taste like water from the gowanus canal. A nice cab ride back to willowtown ... And home. Home for now, that is. Sigh, I will miss it.

2010-08-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

since there's been so much talk about dreams lately, last night i dreamt i was climbing a colorless urban job site - a big empty mound of dirt - rimmed by chain-link fence and ragged tarpaulin. it was graded hill - i was climbing with effort - trying to cut through an opening in the fence - atop the hill was a massive glass box structure containing entirely dirt and wet dirt. it was one of those nothing buildings, all glass and ultra thin i-beam boxes i fantasized about in college. so, a perfect building filled with dirt, like the inverse of a jeanne-claude and christo situation. the glass was as clear as day and even had the sick green tones of low-e, so you could see every crunchy rock and grain of dirt like someone had dumped all of it in there, to the brim, and shut the roof like a lid. as i was following someone who had crossed through and left the mound, the building shattered and the dirt (tons) began to crumble out, then pour forth. of course, i was overcome and submerged in it like trapped in quicksand. couldn't remembered the rest of the dream, but what a fucking cool dream!!!

2010-07-28T05:29:00.000-07:00

Weird, I woke up this morning imagining I was back in California, so quiet, by the coast, redwoods, salty air, wearing Birkenstocks and blankets all day. Haha. What a nice life!

Away from:
- Trains
- Hordes (Midtown, I hate you so much)
- Foul odors
- Jackhammers, BQE
- Speed
- Rampant energy sometimes channeled as anger
- Ennui

Is my time up here? It just barely begun! But the pining ensues ...

2010-07-22T13:18:00.000-07:00

on the top of the most popular articles in the nyt today is "Shoppers on a 'Diet' Tame the Urge to Buy." two women decide to embark on an 'experiment' cutting back their clothes spending by outfitting themselves, for a month, with only six pieces of clothing. the article has some things to say on compulsive consumerism. the journalist called it "an outright rejection of fashion," which sounds rather glib to me. this experiment reeks of the same irrationality of privilege of detox diets, binging/purging at will, and luxury yoga retreats. sure, it's a good stunt to remind people not to be compulsive spenders, but otherwise it's annoying to hear fashion villain ised as gratuitous waste without any mention of its cultural value.

i don't want to waste a lot of energy on a response, so i'm going to pull comments to express what i feel about this.

on bringing joy:

"One of my greatest pleasures is getting up for work and choosing an outfit in the color and style that suits my mood that day. I work with special ed children as a counselor and they comment frequently on my outfits. I believe that my appearance actually brightens their day, as well as mine. I prefer to cut back on eating lunch out and could never adhere to the six piece diet plan. It would send me into a severe depression."

on options:

"There are millions of people in the world who wear 'one easy piece' for months or years at a time, and sometimes they wear nothing at all. They would be thrilled at the opportunity to, for example, have a machine launder their clothing after every day or two.

Some of these people even live in New York."

on art and commerce:

"For those of us who grew up with nuns and wore uniforms for 12 years, I can only say I love clothes.

I think they are artistry in motion. Buy them at vintage, buy them at thrift, remake hand me downs or make them yourself. Buy on sale or pay retail if you must. Each garment, each piece of fabric, each spool of thread is somebody's job. Make a budget, stick to it, but don't forget that every blouse you buy helps feed someone, even if you only shop at Goodwill. So be realistic but not sanctimonious about clothes."

sadly:

"Oh and did i mention i am a fashion student? The more i study/ think about fashion the less i care about dressing up."

commerce, again:

"All this is well and fine however if those who do buy clothes decided to forego shopping what would that do to those whose livelihoods depend on people replenishing their wardrobes? Fewer consumers means stores will employ fewer workers. Fewer buyers means ordering less inventory which means factories hire fewer workers. Now granted, many of the clothes purchased by Americans are made overseas, but with the interconnectedness of the world economy, do not think for a moment that should this craze catch on in a major way that there would not be financial repercussions.

The desire to simplify one's choices is one thing but to wrap cloak it in political rhetoric seems quite self-serving. If one wants to limit one's wardrobe to six, eight, ten, or whatever magic number - then feel free to do so. However, spare the world the self-serving pat on the back. If as you say, no one really cares, then there is no need to make a public proclamation regarding one's apparel choices."

i like this:

"For me it has been more rewarding to break from the shackles of feeling defined by my possessions and instead having the power to make my own definition of what role objects, or clothing, play in my life."

"I grew up having 6 items of clothing, and they were hand-me-downs at that! I would never subject myself to that deprivation voluntarily. I love nice clothes, and could rightfully be labeled a clothes horse. Wearing nice clothes makes a person feel good about themselves, and even if its an ugly truth."

2010-07-15T06:11:00.000-07:00

i want to smell this ... oud, cedar, sandal, cypress and gaiac mixed with patchouli and vetiver ... everything i like .... will it be good ?

2010-07-09T16:19:00.001-07:00

this dress, and this blazer ... the best of digital printing. (from)

2010-07-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

i wish someone told me when i was diagnosed that kidney involvement in lupus is associated with an increased risk of death and end-stage renal disease. it took me another flare and four more years to come to digest this fact.

i wanted frankness. i asked my first rheumatologist in san francisco (a UCSF professor) if i would or could die, and he straight up said no! at home, i got a lot of tiptoeing around the topic from a bunch of pollyannas, which contradicted the dire warnings of the only person who seemed to really know - my mother! there were times i was convinced that this disease is something that has and could be in remission forever. with all these conflicting messages, i chose to go the way of partially blind optimism, and ended up not being as rigorous with my health than i could have. (if i knew what i know now, i'm not sure if i would have moved to new york city - although i have no regrets).

it simply makes me very angry to have been misinformed for so long. i've been brought up a skeptic, but now i am a thousand times more careful to vet information i receive from anyone, no matter how professional a source, and definitely to not make any important decisions (or let anyone influence my decisions) when i am ill or on serious meds. i rely now on people who have actually lived with the disease, my own experience, and what i can extract from my meager wide-net research. (thank god for the internet)! having been treated condescendingly so often when important life decisions were at stake makes me extremely wary of anyone who dumbs down their language or uses euphemisms of any kind when they speak to me about such matters.

coming to terms with death and lifelong illness will take time. practically, i need to act on the decisions i make for my health, including managing stress: lowering stress at work / ending work that is too stressful, and staying away from negative people and situations that stress me out. (don't get me started on how many roll-eyes i will give a day to people to people who complain and agonize over nothing - not to mention take the privilege of health for granted by destroying their bodies with food, drink, drugs, etc). i'm not a hard ass by nature, but i will whip it out when i need it!

2010-07-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

It was a physically hard week (which reminds me, did you know 25% of your calories are consumed by your brain?). Then, saw the doctor on Friday after missing more than one of my appointments in the past few months (very much intentionally), who says I need to be aware of cancer on my meds, see some more specialists etc. I despise having my being reduced to a few measures on two pages of lab results and the sum of my prescription medications. For months i can mostly forget that im sick except for when i take my meds, my diet, and when i am especially fatigued for a few days maybe after getting too much sun or heat - things that average-ly healthy people deal with anyway. Otherwise it's the same person, with the same friends and interesting things to do and look forward to. I get to not think about dying.

But, everytime I see the doc it's like I have to mourn the old life all over again. Denial, bargaining, anger, the whole bit, and it never gets any easier. I keep wishing it would.

So the last few days i've been feeling quite low. At least I know the feeling won't last forever.

2010-06-28T20:41:00.001-07:00

93 degrees, no a/c, plus humidity = about 100 degrees at the studio??

also 9 to 6 became 9 to 9. alas!

2010-06-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

these guys would be cute in my apartment, imho.

here
here
here

sleepy

2010-06-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

incredible ... the boss has proposed new business hours for the summer : 9 to 6 -- WHaaaaaaah??!

i can't imagine what it's like to get home before 8! i'll have time to cook! i'll have time to peruse youtube before bed! i can bask in sun light another two hours at my leisure!! it's going to be great!!!

... we'll see how long it lasts.

in the meantime, i'm back to my iyaz and funny wedding dance videos.

j'adore resort

2010-06-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

i love you, pheobe philo at celine. can i be you in nine years?

2010-06-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

except for a nice jaunt and dinner at s & e's, including a refreshing night ride through south brooklyn, i spent the entire day in my pj's binging on youtube vids of divas and a capella ballads. is this what it's like to live alone? FREEDOM!!!

2010-06-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

(from a wonderful blog, femmenoir)

I cannot count the times people have told me “but you can’t die from lupus” or “at least you don’t have cancer.” The former is obviously wrong because people die from lupus all of the time. The latter is equally wrong in many respects because, like cancer, systemic lupus takes your body down, causes a shut-down of organs, goes from one organ to the next, or, with a compromised immune system due to the medications, you may find yourself susceptible to infection like Lucy Vodden.

As a friend of mine said recently — she is a breast cancer survivor — “cancer and lupus are somewhat similar.” My friend and I have cussed and discussed our war stories as she’s battling cancer and I’m battling my immune system. Her chemo was more intense than mine but we both experienced the same symptoms, the nausea, the overwhelming fatigue, dark nails, hair loss, the metallic taste, and I won’t get into the other things.

During one of our conversations on chemo while sitting at an outdoor coffee shop, a woman walked over to us — another cancer survivor — and asked us if we were cancer survivors too. My friend answered first saying she is a breast cancer survivor, I responded that I have lupus. The woman was puzzled by my answer. “You’re receiving chemo for lupus?” she asked. I told her yes and explained why. I don’t think she ever understood why because, in her mind, chemo is reserved only for those who have cancer. When I informed her Natalie Cole received chemo and radiation treatments for hepatitis C, she really lost it in a whirl of confusion finally admitting “I didn’t know chemo was used for other diseases.”

My girlfriend and I are constantly talking about forming a group to include women with chronic diseases, inclusive of any and all autoimmune diseases and cancer. Not long ago I joined my friend at an impromptu meeting of cancer survivors and when I mentioned my having lupus I quickly became persona non grata. Dismissed, as it were because I, as one woman pointed out, could neither know nor understand what cancer can do to a woman’s body. “You haven’t suffered like I have” she said rather self-righteously. I told her “you haven’t suffered as long as I have.”

She and I finally came to a meeting of the minds and understanding as I explained my personal battles over the years. Education was key because she didn’t know what lupus was, how it affects our bodies, what we go through, the medications and finally, she had no idea some of us must endure the discomforts of chemo as well. When I pulled off my wig to show her my head, she understood that I understood.

2010-05-22T22:28:00.001-07:00

i started a new tumblr as a repository for the things i read that i want to remember in some way or another. it's at: http://owlycorps.tumblr.com/ this could end up enabling some hoarding-type neurosis, but i'll take it as it is. how else can i filter all the mega bits of information i subject myself to everyday.

so heres's a health update. i give myself a grade of C-, but honestly, no one is watching (i mean capable of monitoring) except myself right? the past two months or so - below average in all departments: food (D for over indulgent: way too much protein, way too much salt ), sleep (C for adequate quality, but not enough recovery time between), meds (B- for reasonable appliance, but not refilling one important prescription, as well as erratic intake), energy (D- for overtaxing social life, and need to curb energy spent going out and replace with bed rest for sure), exercise (B for decent exercise at work, walking on average 2 miles a day, but no targeted exercises for stress reduction, strength training, or high intensity stuff i had started before).

i don't look sick, but i feel it all the time now. i'd venture to guess my next blood tests will not look improved. the one before (about 1.5 mos ago?) showed increased proteinuria, but blood factors looked ok. serum complements were so so. they weren't highlighted in bold (meaning abnormal) on that stupid photocopy of a fax. but they were definitely low. how do i really manage this inflammation and have a normal working life? god, i have no fucking clue. i guess one day at a time.

2010-05-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

vacation is going to be great.

here's some of what i'm going to do, mostly consisting of not doing:

check my email and blog feeds only once a day. sit outside, and watch clouds. be still, just the sound of birds, wind in trees, an occasional faint hum of a car. do everything very slowly and without purpose. have no goals, especially not thinking, and not even a goal to relax as much as i can (isn't "sleeping hard" a total oxymoron?). this will take some work. i slept 16 hours and i can still sleep more. sometimes you know your body is exhausted, but just not how much until it stands in relief to inactivity. all right, it's agitating just thinking about it how spent i am, esp now that my kidneys hurt, i am still not cool with the prospects of dying, so i'm going to do something else now.

"do not disturb" sign officially in place until further notice.

netflix generated

2010-05-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

I like how Netflix evolved / are evolving these specific genres to pinpoint faves; here are the categories that appear automatically when I log in:

Feel-good Comedies Featuring a Strong Female Lead

Critically-acclaimed Gritty Foreign Movies

Sci-Fi & Fantasy

Goofy Independent Movies

and

Dysfunctional-Family TV Shows

Awesome how that kind of sums up my taste across the aesthetic board better than anything else!

2010-05-07T17:32:00.000-07:00

Whoa, it's been an awesome week - b's family visiting and getting to work pretty peacefully at studio, almost finishing my shoes - up until today when I get hit by the baddest hangover - not the sledgehammer kind but the kind that makes you feel it's been a whole 24 hrs and you still can't figure out what happened all day and you still cant shake that sick anxiety that's been shrouding your perception in a paranoia that makes you wish there was a quick way to throw up mentally - All FROM ONE GLASS OF WHITE WINE.

So great, I'll be spending my whole weekend detoxing from this instead of doing anything useful. Right now I am having such a hard time thinking about anything except this weird and painful feeling I inadvertently afflicted upon myself for the sake of one jolly evening of conversation and meal. Well it was delicious.

2010-04-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

gorgeous! i would live in the netherlands only to surround myself with these beautiful objects, which seem to be in abundance secondhand. (via ambitious)

good things in life

2010-04-16T12:56:00.001-07:00

making a list of some of the good things in life ...

stopping your work and resting when you feel tired

sleeping when you feel even more tired

(not having to work when you feel tired)

(not having to resist natural urges like hunger and fatigue)

being able to feed yourself when you are hungry, and not in a rushed way

(not having to work yourself to exhaustion)

okay, tired much?

more good things:

one day you go outside and green leaves and blooms are every where!

being able to go backwards and not always forwards

the internet and especially my tumblr feed!

cool clothes

new shoes

getting a call from my mom

movie popcorn

2010-04-04T06:38:00.000-07:00

saw this french tv clip of a jean paul gaultier men's show from spring 1987 on the hercules and love affair blog.

WHAT AN ERA!

2010-04-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

(abstract comics)

so i guess i can officially call myself a fashion designer now. after two long years, i am employed once more ... (the real ball and chain, imho.) the nice thing is that it is a ridiculously fun job. the not nice thing is, it is very hard and i need to build up my stamina this summer (sleeping and eating a lot of fresh vegetables) to prepare for the dearth later on ...

so guess what? it's time for spring summer 2011. i cannot believe it is almost the next decade. i had a strange bout of energy in the wee hours last night (maybe it's because i picked up my new clothes and shoes and it's exciting to see some of the things i drew and corrected in finished physical form. and not having to have sewn it myself especially!).

so i went through my old music archives and gathered a few long-forgotten albums and collections from half a decade ago and further back (how time shifts everything), and created a new "~listen to this" folder. i forgot how stunningly beautiful / funny / stupid all this work is. in retrospect, since moving to ny, i think my musical appreciation has plummeted due to the following reasons: 1. i developed agoraphobia, particularly towards crowds of relatively young, frighteningly attired hipsters, and 2. absolutely no energy and time to develop so-called "outside interests." and in conclusion, these circumstances have deprived almost all my work of their true lifeblood ... outside interests.

in any case, here it is now. i am listening to it!

fun things yet to make:

1 temperature charts
2 axometric drawings of really weird houses
3 maybe some photographs
4 abstract comics

2010-03-07T16:40:00.001-08:00

on the topic of the dying arts:

"At such moments, Johnson tips her hand, revealing what fascinates her about both librarians and obituary writers. They are people who struggle to bring the dead back to life. Johnson’s characters desperately care about half-forgotten brawlers, freedom fighters and canine celebrities. They are the guardians of all there is to know. It doesn’t matter whether they carry on their efforts in analog or digital format. For they are waging the holy battle to resurrect the entire world, over and over again, in its entirety — keeping every last tidbit safe and acid free."

from "Library Science"

pills and other accoutrements

2010-02-15T12:27:00.000-08:00

i've been reading the chronic illness experience by cheri register. it's the best, most comprehensive book on living with chronic illness i've read. it skips the psychological fluffery and goes straight to items like how this society perceives control and the body and archetypes of people with illness. because it is full of interviews, it also reads like having a bunch of friends with whom to commiserate. (on the flip side, reading too much of it at once makes a misery party. same with any book on dealing with suffering.)

the chapter "pills and other accoutrements" hit a nerve, because i FUCKING HATE MY PILLS. true, i don't have to be iv-ed into liquids or be at any clinics getting my blood sifted (at this point, knock on wood), but i was always the person who NEVER finished that bottle of antibiotics. i hated vitamins (unless in gummy form), i hated anything you had to swallow with a glass of water and made you avoid excess sunlight or use judgment before operating vehicles or heavy machinery. i hated the dependence - either take this or suffer. i would put off going to the doctor even with major infections and high fevers. and now look:

2000 mg cellcept daily (before eating in the morning, before eating at night)
400 mg plaquenil daily (with a meal in the morning, with a meal at night)
25 mg cozaar (with a meal at night)
10 mg lasix every other day (definitely with a meal or you're asking for it)

and then all the horse-pill sized supplements taken at various times of the day that make me feel like a pumped-up inorganic chicken. before and at each meal, there's at least a handful of crap to be swallowed with various side effects. and now i have to do it, or i feel like shit. count my blessings, i'm off steroids, or there would be at least four more pharmaceutical leashes on that list.

to be fair, i've learned a certain acceptance for this drug-dependent life (not lifestyle - i certainly didn't choose it). but i was, and maybe still retain features of the polar opposite of a hypochondriac.

there are things i've been trying to do to make life easier ... gradually, mind you. as i've always been a mind-over-matter type of person, i've had to, over the course of several years, contradict many of the subconscious habits and tendencies i've learned over my short life up until this point. to name a few, cutting out alcohol almost entirely (egad), more pants and less tights, flats over heels, sleep over parties, home over travel. and the most difficult of all of all grand changes : sticking to a daily routine and going to bed on time (ie the opposite of spontaneity and freedom). indeed, a complete lifestyle change - these former fundamentals of life are now seldom furnished accoutrements. or rather, there's now a heavy cross to bear and it's called control.

2010-02-12T14:50:00.000-08:00

i am very very happy with the show! although working so many hours for so-and-so weeks and then ending the day with a few too many glasses of wine is a recipe for a stay at home day. luckily, i could!

already a positive review at vogue. what these kinds of reviews can never capture is the process through which the textiles, prints, and styles emerge. they can't say that the airy print on silk organza is a spray-painted stencil (painted much larger in real life) and the vaguely horizontal panels of purple and shades of grey is actually a grainy digital print of a mountain landscape on silk crepe. that the patterned trousers are from a pencil-drawn repeat that resembles a wooden parquet floor (available in fire and grey). nor would they be able to tell you how many revisions of the knit dresses were made before the dimensions were correct! the copper belts open up like lockets. the fur on some hoods and lapels and sleeves is the same used on german teddy bears. and underneath the skirts of a few wearing knit lace stockings are mesh garters ... among many other funny, sneaky ideas, changes, edits, and reimaginings ...

for me revealing the process always makes a piece more meaningful. of course an eyed buyer gets this implied, but will she ever really learn of the weeks months of labor of dozens and dozens of hands and bodies to create each element of every garment and bring it to show as one whole, or maybe we prefer it to be left a little bit of a mystery, so fashion week is, twice or more a year, a magical giving birth. suddenly from nothing there is something!

journalists want "inspirations" to fill their articles. here, i think the beauty of it is you can't say or explain or describe anything better than seeing live (and if you can, touching and wearing). so please, go and see and wear. as much as photos can inspire and compel, it's just advertising ...

okay no more fuzzy thoughts, its time to fall asleep!

knitz

2010-02-06T21:04:00.000-08:00

jim drain

signe emdel (work not pictured) makes some pretty dope patterns on knit. she's made some psychedelic prints for vibskov and uses who knows what kind of software and machines to do it. i think my machine knitting class (starting after ny fashion week) might not be as technologically advanced. in terms of machine-knits, we might verge on analog so i wonder if we will be able to create patterns of such a pixelated nature. if not i will stick with really abstract intarsias ... which actually, for a more rough-hewn look in crunchier yarns, is just as appealing. at least to me.

in any case, there is always the chance to experiment with form. there is a shitload of inspiration on knitkicks, from a lot of the rodarte-like loose weave shit and gothic macrame out there to the built-up symmetry of backlund. thanks knitkicks! but, as i said, to really get into it, the only thing missing is time, and fucking parsons school of design you can rely on to leave you with very little.

vionnet exercises

2010-02-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

(from)

The problem is there is simply not enough time.

I bought Madeleine Vionnet by Betty Kirke, a large format hardcover which transcribes Vionnet's flat patterns onto page. They are really fun to study and try to visualize 3d in your mind. Last year for my couture class I was intent on realizing at least a few in fabric ... as a training exercise, extracurricular style. Not to happen. I need unimpeded TIME ... more than food, youth, or sex, free time is my ultimate craving. And I only have snips of it enough to blog about what I would like to do with it ...maybe once I have weekends back (and not those when I'm just trying to catch up on sleep or detox) ... in a few months?

good times

2010-02-04T18:38:00.000-08:00

there are some days when it seems like everyone is throwing shade, but there are some days like today, when i come home and note how fucking lucky i am working where i am right now.

six more days until the show and good times to remember, happening as we speak.

work

2010-01-23T08:52:00.000-08:00

The past year was all about the back-up plan. If it ain't contingency, hypervigilence, varying degrees of paranoia, then it's not part of my mental state. Suffice to say this whole meditation thing is working, especially repeating the mantra "May I be free from danger." Still, I am obsessed with what-if-just-in-case scenarios constantly, in particular those concerning "what if this whole fashion thing doesn't work out" scenarios. (I read that NYT article entitled "Architects, or Whatever" in which we learn something like 40,000 practicing architects were laid off last year, but don't worry, because they're resourceful creatives and manage to come up with creative solutions to find income - like selling ice cream cakes and stuffed toys - and sometimes end up discovering themselves in the process, which is a nice spin on the fact that being unemployed fucking sucks).

So, occupations if this whole fashion thing doesn't work out (whether from health or other reasons):

Librarian - the kind that works in the basement repairing beat up books.

For that matter, any type of work that requires wearing a work apron, that doesn't involve air filters (for example, whittling or cobbling, as opposed to welding or wood machining).

Ornithology ?

Okay, okay ... toymaker!

2010-01-04T00:36:00.000-08:00

my family, family friends, and i came back back from a good solid trip to tahoe. we stayed in a cabin on the south lake, facing the california shore. it was very cold inside and out. while my family skied four days out of the seven, i skied one day. i can only hope i came back with a better resilience to frigid temperatures and blowing ice. i started meditating in earnest, which is something that i steadfastly wish to carry into the new year. we had wi-fi for a fraction of a second up there and i used it to post something trivial on facebook and research lupus nephritis type iv life expectancy on google. the isolation abetted a painful case of cabin fever, but in the stewing, many things came to light. lucky for me, the lake and the snow gave a background of nothingness that revealed things too hard to think about while living through them. for one, i had a great deal of terror this year in my second flare up - one step closer to fibrosis, closer to dialysis, closer to who knows what, and maybe more years shaved off this life. in order to continue with parsons in both spring and fall, this year i pulled out my trusty full-on denial, which progressed into a great deal of anger and at times worthlessness. (some days were more difficult than others). i thought about how terrified i am of dying. for a few days up there in the mountains, i hated the world.

what happened after wards is important. with my sister, i sat on the very edge of a small pier that extended out into the lake. sitting there, you have an unobstructed view of the entire expanse of lake tahoe and then, on all sides, rocky peaks. above, low gray clouds ready to snow, and a sharp wind. i felt like i was sitting on the lake itself, there was nothing separating me and what i saw before me. i thought about a book i am reading on meditation. i couldn't keep thinking about myself and my life the way i was. i have to love my body in poor health and keep moving. everything changes. i can not know how old i will be when i die. it's okay to feel a lot of pain. i love my family. i started feeling open and good. i think that this was a good start on something really new.

now

2009-12-20T01:20:00.000-08:00

what a weird year. at the end of it, i want to sit quietly and do absolutely nothing. a weird, agonizing year. very noisy, very mindless at many times. the picture in my head is: riding a whirling spinner, and a paint brush that keeps smearing your face with gaudy, fantastic colors as you spin by. it makes me quite sad to think about it, but when the end of the year comes, i guess you naturally think of the end of things. but, i like thinking about it, because i feel like i'm getting closer to the true nature of something. having been taught there is no true nature to anything, i suppose i like the feeling of reaching and longing for it. it just doesn't stay very long.

it's good to be back home, where i have a lot of quiet time. space is vast here and solitude is the state in which individuals settle. i can finally hear those thoughts. things do not need to be very complicated. it gets lonely, but reassuringly lonely. far away, hiding and sleeping. i like that. three weeks is a good time. after that, maybe i could be ready to go back, but most likely not. i choose never to be ready.

list

2009-11-28T09:37:00.001-08:00

i stayed up until 4:30 am last night to go through pictures to upload to flickr. i've obviously done a very poor job of documenting anything at all this year, but i hope i can get motivated again. i think it's just this year has been particularly difficult and probably one of the busiest ...

one thing that might make me want to take more digi photos is this, but i have to resist the urge to consume ... !

items:

mentally and physically preparing for the next few months leading up to and including fashion week fall winter 2010 (first weeks of february 2010)

rc designs

lvmh competition

finals: gown, film, portfolio, portfolio

real portfolio

coats!!!

others: misc for b films, window display

i believe i might have a few too many extracurricular activities, although i like to call it max fischer syndrome. it makes me want to drop out, seriously, but there are just too many cool classes to take and people to hang out with. unfortunately, i am a very greedy person and will want it all! i think the lesson is pacing ... and maybe, just maybe, toning down the nerd-ness (sooner or later) is in order ...

Scatterbrained files

2009-10-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

Miscellaneous Items:

Tribble postcard from Lilly. Now need to buy magnets for fridge just to post it up.

Go back to loft one more time to grab rest of stuff before 10/31: schedule.

Sign up for some car rental service: zipcar?

Email m to see rc fabrics at storage

Build foundation garment and figure out pattern for easiest construction method ... See inni

(dammit! Do lame collection images flats boards, email to Markus by weekend) lame lame lame

Just figured out the undo feature for i-devices: shake = ctrl z!

Is it possible to do a location scouting road trip to beacon ny and come back to do all night halloween extravaganza involving boat without wreaking havoc on physical self? (no)

Options for Halloween so far: 1) Waldo of where's Waldo, and 2) never nude Tobias funke (not sure how exactly to pull this off ... yet). Needs some brainstorming.

Hm, life is pretty awesome right now if images in head at bedtime are related to furry alien creatures and Tobias funke.

Looking forward to November for one reason and one reason only: vampires.

Reminder to order mcsweeneys 2009 best non required reading for the train. Only reason to miss a long commute: reading time. But that's all. In a distant fantasy world, mta is Amtrak like. Better yet, above ground hovercraft.

I just created my first blog post via blogpress - available for iPhone and iPod touch!

poop

2009-10-16T08:54:00.001-07:00

these last two weeks, although fruitful, have been very rough. in these times the thick leather blinders i usually have up to everyday injustices really get worn down to something more akin to shutter shades. (sorry, i can't come up with a better metaphor!) particularly here, where the quality of life diminishes as the temperatures rise and fall. (i'm not from a place where there are four seasons, so what?!)

just let me rant for moment. a list of things that irk me in these times and for reasons i sometimes simply i don't understand:

people who swoop in to steal your cab, even though it is apparent to all parties you were there flailing your arms like an idiot for much much longer. people are more aggressive in these parts, aren't they?

the little tiny dust particles that accumulate in piles on my windowsill (and most likely invisibly absorbed into every porous surface of my home) - the result of out moded and miserable forms of energy consumption. it's a filthy city.

hype. any sort of it. subtlety seems just unnatural around here.

people who drive vehicles and have absolutely no concept of pedestrian right of way. (and there are so so many) you deserve no respect, you pitiful, crummy human beings.

being able to ride my bike once this entire riding season. first for repairs and second for this horrible climate. okay, no one can do anything about that, but i still can hate it, can't i?

the ear-screeching parts of the train ride that occurs on pretty much every train. you know, when the scraping of metal track reaches inhuman, drum-bursting decibels in a disgusting high high high e# alternating with b flat. not to mention the guy or girl next to you who has in those gross earbuds emitting tinny whatever the hell crappy music they're listening to for all to hear. why do people think it's funny that i wear ear plugs all the time?

feeling spasms in my kidney after doing the third or fourth round of 6 floor walk-up walking up. life's a beez - and so sayth the bike messenger who made one round up and seems to have in a matter of minutes developed asthma: i can ride my bike all day, but i can't do the 6 floor walk-up.

people who take fashion seriously. are you kidding me? stop making me miserable. if you are having fun, i love you. if you are suddenly expounding things and issuing judgments, please, please i beg of you - leave now. especially if you enjoy the smugness of peppering your sentences with terms like "on trend."

people who sit and complain for hours at a time and particularly those who compose large blog entries devoted to the unloading of mental anguish. you make me miserable! myself not excluded.

please god, don't let me feel like these things apply to humanity at large. it's depressing. are there no redeeming qualities to us and this city??!!!

2009-10-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

items:

- bruce is doing a lecture on film aesthetics for my illustration class next week.

- rc's process is so organic, making "themes" seem so square.

- i am so so irritated with people who say things like "we are a post-racial society." get a f-in clue!

sorry, this blog is rarely written in substantial paragraphs anymore. but aren't we a post-blog society? silence is the new communication? secrets are the new blather???

fashion questions

2009-10-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

rhetorical or non-rhetorical questions:

why is the world of conventional fashion illustration the love child of a three-way between paris-is-burning glam, relics of antonio, and watercolor blobs?

why are all the figures so skinny? how did this become normal?

why does parsons think sustainability means buying $100 per yard fabric from their selected "natural" vendors and NOT producing better developed, meaningful, longer-lasting garments by rethinking the fashion cycle? (okay, too obvious, let's ask a not much harder one ... )

why does using the words green and sustainable make you sound like such a slick-haired marketing tool?

one thing i've learned to live with since moving here is the uncomfortable feeling of marketing; in manhattan, it's like kryptonite, but in gaseous form, ie ubiquitous! (not to say i'm super or anything. maybe it's more like the unease of a spidey sense. not to say i have any super powers AT ALL). you know what i'm talking about - the nearness of money lies and dubious claims. some days are worse than others.

stuff

2009-09-15T06:38:00.000-07:00

at last, i've got an entire day to myself! i plan on sleeping sleeping sleeping ...

but before i do, here are some things that have gone on in the past few weeks:

- rachel's show. i'm so happy with it! the culmination of months on top of years of hard work. (but then it doesn't pause for a second.)

- president obama waved at bruce yesterday from his cavalcade on his way to lunch.

- i drafted and made my first garment where front and back are actually two sides. (like flatland)!

- i visited maryam nassir zadeh and was happy.

- i began ideas for my first garment with foundation. giddy.

- my dad might be adopting a brother for ringo ... a mastiff!

- i started packing for our new apartment. signed a lease -- which begins today.

- did you see the september issue? i could've waited for DVD. a big yawn! on the other hand we saw PONYO, which was magic.

- i finally tasted zabayone + pear ice cream at cones, and am now a believer. thanks to jeremy and stefan. :) we then discussed our holiday blockbuster, vampires of the carribean, starring both robert pattinson and johnny depp.

- lost my wallet on the MTA, but was happy because i ran into two old profs at school and caught up.

- a beautiful view of the night city from 22nd flr tim hamilton party thanks to emily.

exhausted. now time for bed.

fave new things of the last month!

2009-08-21T18:53:00.000-07:00

i accumulated a lot of really awesome stuff this past month. i dunno how it happened but i did! seriously, no more stuff the rest of the year, please. i have too much already, but you know when you come across something really great, there's no way you can pass it up ... ok maybe that's just me!

went sort of nuts at antique trove, which is a small diamond mine in old roseville. after going to melet mercantile (where a raggedy jumper is about $300 and prices are upwards $1000s), i think i went berserk over the low-ness of the prices outside manhattan with two very wonderful hats that lilly calls "you look like madeleine," scarves, a swiss military sack (in line with the old timey bag trends of the zeitgeist), and virtually pristine polaroid land camera with leather body and case at goodwill. at jet rag and am rag in la, we did a good fall stock-up with a deep green halston blazer, a chanel-ish mini wool jacket in a most wonderful bright blue, some summery cropped cotton-linen shirts (my favorite thing to wear in this heat), some thick twill jackets (yes, my vintage eye is eames for the body), an amazingly sueded whiskey leather cape (that i had to leave at home till my trip), and then black leather (totally unworn) patent- cap-toe flat mules, with shoe string bows. ridiculously good finds, but still no dresses (which i might have to pick up at all these end of summer sales ... luckily i scored some dope lanvin x acne at barney's via proxy which will be awesome for fall).

honestly i had to pass up a ton of books i was intending on bringing back here (50% of my library is still in california) to make all the space for my newly acquired objets d'art.

another thing to mention is this AMAZINGLY AWESOME stoop sale right before my trip, where i got some new apc sandals and (also new) a wang booty shorts, both of which i've been making good use of, among other stuff, all for a few dollars ... see, too much stuff, right?? :)

trip home

2009-08-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

had a freaking awesome trip back in california.

even though we didn't do our big sur road trip as semi-planned. that's ok, more time at home!

we spent a lot of time with fam in LA and norcal. and stopped by watts towers for the first time, which was gorgeous.

the weather was spectacular everywhere, and i've really come to appreciate it now that i'm over here. no complaints.

having a car again was nice. it's stressful but serene by familiarity. solitude and landscapes.

our girls have grown up a lot. shucks. boys, too, actually.

it was really sweet to stay with rog and see siq and little robbie grow into bigger little robbie. i am sad to be gone so fast. i really am.

sorry if i didnt get a chance to say hi; the trip was really too short.

now i am back here. and the thoughts of impending fashion week is already doing me the adrenaline thing, but worse this time because i am not ready for working fast and late nights again ... especially after this uber relaxing trip home.

brain works

2009-08-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

sorry every other post is from the new york times; i guess you know where most of my source material comes from now. (anyway, i have to tell you i am addicted to the nyt app for iphone. it's bad news. har har. i read it in bed before i am fully awake and then read it to lull myself to sleep ... often proceeded by weird news-y dreams).

here's a great article that made me cry. it's about the neurological effects of toxic drugs people have no choice but to take. (these drugs, among many things, are definitely a reason science and medicine have a LONG ASS way to go in terms of treating illnesses, and that, notwithstanding bad luck, relying on these things [instead of being educated and taking care of yourself] for a good healthy life is a major mistake.)

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/11/coping-with-chemo-brain/

takes me back to 2006. at that time, all that i had of my so called former life (pre-treatment) was dunzo ... intellectual appetite, good temperament, strong memory. perhaps my greatest panic came when in the hospital i could not read a single fucking sentence out of a beat up issue of Time magazine and comprehend it. the letters themselves began to blur into one another and actually became painful to my whole body to even look at. and when has ever the written word been anything but a beloved companion to me much less a cruel joke from a hateful torturer? the agony to feel that you might never have the ability to read again? now that i look back i realize the greatest loss for me was not a loss of physical strength itself but that it compounded a profound loss of self.

it took a good three years to get back up to speed. i mean, i could not concentrate on their words when people spoke to me, i had problems with stuttering (still do), couldn't draw without feeling the urge to cry, basically everything to teach me how it feels like to have blunted every mental ability that made you the person you were. do you feel stupid and out of your mind and weak? yes. yes, you do. that you experience powerlessness to stop a club to the head, from drugs that perpetrate violence on your body? you betcha. i still feel ADD sometimes (my sister says i have the attention span of a goldfish) and some tips recommend ritalin, but i don't want to eat more shit. oh well, that's life, and so be it. things are well, and what the hell, i better be thankful i am young and i have what i have. there are no more complaints, that's for sure.

2009-07-27T18:17:00.000-07:00

Rest In Peace Merce Cunningham

the summer so far

2009-07-24T19:55:00.000-07:00

SOME GIRL in her birthday dress. celery juice and totally high.

frankie's <3 pimm's <3 sigh.

apartment hunting. no more apartment hunting. thank jesus we gave up on that fast.

life drawing with professor ogawa. exhausting, but keeps the pencils sharp. eh? eh?

star trek movie. wow. this i call entertainment.

david byrne at prospect park clamshell. the longest, most ridiculous snaking queue i've ever seen and will probably see in my entire life. finally get picnic-style seating from half a mile away -- not too shabby!

for a second thinks i have a crush on zack galafianakis because his name keeps popping up in my head. concludes the alliteration in his name just makes it really fun to say.

lilly and derrick's visit. 2x shake shack! and busty biblical babes.

new ps1 hairy mammoth volcano structures (ritchie!)

sharpness of peppermint oil fumes compounded by paint fumes compounded by lung virus = mean jean. sort of bed ridden for almost two weeks. (my "lost years" of the summer in which i do a lot of sudoku and reading, including junot diaz).

freshly painted floors. ah.

depressing test results in may. better test results in july!

great treasure find thus far: two giant books of knots from the library.

practice commercial in the west village with a funny view of palazzo chupi. spying on neighbors. before the highline completes construction. and a silhouette of stella's curls at sunset.

landlord doing dance rehearsals three times a week. now, a personal motto of mine: if you have nothin good to say, don't say nothin at all.

i love my neti pot. it's like magic! it lets me breath through my nose again!

b's birthday in which we watch a movie about clones. kinda funny and easily translated into mime.

b's birthday in which we watch a movie about forbidden love during which the audience watches rapt on picnic blankets and become easily translated into a scene in the movie. also a freaky giant sized child version of b: see, more clones!!!

AM Thai and PM Dawn, but not at the same time. shucks.

nyc philharmonic at prospect park, and afterwards, watching a very short fireworks show very very close up. we screamed in fear.

oh yeah, first time biking in a while. rode too fast and passed out in the grass.

star wars uncut with d, d, and a!!

melet mercantile with rachel and elise. triple duper cool.

working working working on fall collection and uo fall deliveries! fun!

got a google voice #, which is my entire name. won't tell you the area code, unless you ask. hehe.

(i've got hos! in different area codes! area codes!)

next up: trip to LA, road trip up highway 1 and norcal family!!! <3 <3 <3

nyt lupus

2009-07-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

the new york times well blog interviewed six people with lupus, with six different stories in an article called "the voices of lupus."

a message from marjane

2009-06-26T12:41:00.001-07:00

Dear Friends

To all who believe in freedom and democracy
Please sign this petition to the United Nations to stop the violence, arrests and torture in Iran.
The situation is really really bad.

Please forward it to whoever you know
Best and lots of love
Marjane Satrapi

portrait

2009-06-26T09:38:00.001-07:00

today, i am finally on a dose of prednisone that is within normal limits. i am so exhausted from the last few days. i can't believe michael jackson is no longer ... i will remember being at rachel's when someone gets the first text, and then confirming on TMZ. it was surreal. rachel plays billie jean at the end of the day and it's too surreal. no one can believe it. she says "thriller" was the very first album she bought with her own money. he is a legend more than anyone else in my mind. existed totally beyond his image. defines legendary. i just can't stop thinking about it. i am so sad.

brain games

2009-06-07T14:30:00.001-07:00

there are times i wonder if i should unsubscribe to the new yorker (pretentious? boring? old white man?) but then there are really really great articles that make it ... kinda worth keeping around. ie: this amazing story about behavioral neurologist Vilayanur S. Ramachandran, a renegade of science who had a predilection for putting puns in his research papers and uses a simple mirror trick to amputate patient's phantom limbs! i was laughing and feeling good about medicine all at the same time.

read here. if you don't have subscription, email me.

kate's cafe

2009-06-07T14:19:00.001-07:00

.

kate jenkins is a knitter. here is her show. here is her company! (doesn't the fishy plate remind you of the dish from brooklyn fish camp???)

home things

2009-06-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

okay, this might be a little premature, but i'm starting to desire more home things in anticipation of new apartmentness. here are some things i like available from matter and frozen fountain! the little drawers are by Richard Woods (Wrongwoods), whose house in West Village facing the Hudson Jeannie showed Emily and I last week. reminds me of graff artists and something Archigramish.

next, there's earthenware from Makkum, a dutch firm founded in 1572 (yeah, you think certain fashion houses are old!), first by Hella Jongerius and at the bottom, by Atelier NL. i just love earthenware's natural tones. imagine it sitting with all your wood table things. yeah!

then, here is this AWESOME stool by fellow brooklynites Hivemindesign made of all reclaimed woods. at over 1g, i think i might have to figure out a strategy to make this one myself. anyone have a lathe lying about?

home things things

2009-06-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

oh yeah, and ... on the prowl for ... white enamelware and ticking quilts! (pics from) i will tell you why i love white enamelware later.

the future

2009-05-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

hi everyone,

things are going well. b and i are talking about moving nearer prospect park. but this won't happen until august! however, i am very excited ... as i am obsessed with my interiors magazines right now. ie brutus may issue with a ton of pictures of silverlake homes. i just want to have a continuous stream of sunlight coming in through windows, something undisturbed by noise, so badly and am absolutely sick and tired of black and grey. one can only take decay without regeneration for so long. wilted plant i am.

on the other hand, without social desire or any strong need for self-expression, we are reading lots and lots of books ... and gossip blogs! and eating a lot of dreary fruit! consumers, purely!

-j

a natural

2009-05-26T15:33:00.001-07:00

SANSULA Dominik Eulberg musicvideo from dirk rauscher on Vimeo.

be patient, it takes some time.

lupus

2009-05-16T13:24:00.001-07:00

may is lupus awareness month.

people like to say to me, "well, i know so-and-so who has lupus and she's doing great!" and "well, you look healthy!" okay, i understand the sentiment and thank you for trying to make me feel better (and it does!) but no, i'm not making this shit up.

i feel lupus is one of those diseases that ended up in the back heap, glossed over in medical school because it's one of WOMEN and MINORITIES. public perception of it's taken an amorphous shape. science has not "solved" it: why it occurs and how it's cured. there hasn't been a new drug developed for it in fifty years.

another thing that makes it hard to accept and understand (and therefore, believe) is the nature of the disease itself. no it's not cancer, where you target malignancies and aim to prevent it from spreading. there's no easily identifiable "enemy."

since people like framing illnesses as battles and wars (a metaphor i really hate), we can say for illustration's sake the enemy in the lupus battle one's own immune system. the body thinks its own organs are germs (foreign bodies) and starts attacking them. so, since we haven't figured out what it is specifically that makes the immune system behave badly, the catchall, radiation-type treatment for it are drugs that push down the immune system ... immuno-suppressants.

if you've heard of multiple sclerosis or crohn's, these are the same kind of thing; they're called AUTOIMMUNE diseases. but, they call lupus the "granddaddy of autoimmune diseases" because it likes to happen anywhere. any organ can be damaged from lupus, and some of the time, it's several. unlike AIDS, lupus has some additional weird shit going on that science hasn't pinpointed and the effects are really different for everyone.

some people will have mild cases where they feel constant fatigue and pain throughout their body; others might lose their kidney function and need transplants. others will die of complications ... stroke, heart attacks, infections from the medication. the disease is kind of unpredictable from day to day and over the course of your life.

(don't worry. just because you feel tired all the time doesn't mean you have lupus. there are tests.)

no, it's not cancer, and most people can live with lupus for long time, but many people will be living with it on very heavy drugs and (i hate euphemisms) a compromised quality of life. tell it like it is -- depressing living hell. and sure, death can come early.

but, this is what's really f-ed up about the whole thing:

it is two to three times more common among African Americans, Hispanics, Native Americans and Asians.

ninety percent of people with lupus are women.

and, more people in the US have lupus than AIDS, sickle cell anemia, muscular dystrophy, cerebral palsy, multiple sclerosis & cystic fibrosis combined.

with this huge population affected by lupus, why is there not more funding going into it's research and treatment? i'm not gonna say more, but i don't think you need to come up with any complicated theories explaining this situation.

sad/happy

2009-05-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

sad:

-4 of 5 muji teacups broken
-still on tons of meds
-weird black dust air pollution inside our rooms

happy:

-sunny days
-party time
-school's out, bitches!
-pho

all-female ant society

2009-05-15T06:19:00.001-07:00

bruce passed this link on to me about a single sex ant civilization.

"it seems that a lack of men gave these women more time and energy to cultivate some of the most elaborate forms of ant agriculture ever studied."

i have no idea why the writer refers to the ants as "men" and "women," but this is an awesome article.

SUNSHINE

2009-04-27T14:34:00.000-07:00

besides feeling out of sorts constantly, things have been great! the weather hasn't been more fantastic. all i's needs is girlfriends, a kite, strawberries, and booty shorts and off to the park we go. woot!

other things:

- make leather polyhedrons
- k's grey dress

times talks on may 3 with mrs O's favorite designers and cathy horyn.
cannot wait to see stella's (and bruce's and everyone else's) films on may 7.

gotcha

2009-04-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

is it a stage set or a real life?

2009-04-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

oh so tired lately. maybe it's the april showers -- i was talking to my mom on the phone last night and she told me it's really warm over there, and she's already started her garden. here i am curled in the fetal position under my down covers in my pyjamas, which i haven't changed out of the entire day because i don't want to leave the house and face 40 degree rain.

i'm thinking of a media fast (it's gonna be hard, hard, hard). i've never been a fan of "detoxes," as they just seem like extreme measures to give you an illusion of control over your life, plus i am pretty lazy and undisciplined when it comes to stuff like that, but media fasting seems like a good idea to really get out of this cocoon in which i've tucked myself for the last few days. i've been getting cabin fever, and reading news about the economic crisis every hour and checking blogs every other minute is probably not the best way to simmer. (not to say it hasn't been amusing). i guess the idea of this fast is more along the lines of experimenting with dosing. that is, how many images and articles do i really need to consume in one day. i find myself scanning through reader like a madwoman, with an urgency to make sure all my unread posts are off the mainpage, all my unread-checked entries are noted and right-click saved. (i guess i am hoarding in hopes of using in the near future to create, and of course, for posterity.) anyway, it's really not the way my time should be allocated now, and in conclusion i need to get out of bed and draw more pictures. or write. it just seems so much easier to lay in bed and consume.

music: pandora radio - zhane + groove theory

films i watched (and really enjoyed) the last few months:
being there
barton fink
living in oblivion
diner
as good as it gets

films i have great desire to watch (again or for the first time) soon:
coming to america
moonstruck
beverly hills cop
shampoo
the new grey gardens

oh, and if you want something to keep you company and offer you a memory of what summer is like ... watch jazz on a summer's day! i watched this on non-stop loop during finals last december, and i believe it might one of the very few things that kept me alive.

control

2009-03-19T06:39:00.000-07:00

"People have become aware that way that we've been eating is making us sick," she said.

"I feel that good food should be a right and not a privilege and it needs to be without pesticides and herbicides. And everybody deserves this food. And that's not elitist."

(alice waters on 60 minutes) thanks, ronnie!

hello nerds!

2009-03-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

i truly love glasses.

whoopie!

2009-03-18T06:32:00.001-07:00

a nyt most e-mailed article on whoopie pies.

funny, i just had a big, plump pumpkin whoopie pie a few days ago at this cafe down the street from school. vegan. fluffy. absolutely delicious. holy crap, i sense a new addiction.

dress form

2009-03-10T06:10:00.000-07:00

things i am loving right now:

fresh chopped cilantro on everything i eat.

smell of sweet yams baking in my new oven (well, two months old).

bay ridge chinatown grocers.

mint.com.

korres body butter in guava. oooooh yeah.

things. (yes i am getting things done!)

amazon media library (sort of compiling my library ... still looking for a better library app).

lion's brand yarn super cheap in midtown.

heavy weight pattern paper sold at panda trim has grid numbers in FUTURA!!!

major to do's (besides chilling out and eating):

finish organizing new desk space (rearranged the room again a few weeks ago just before my mom left)

get med apps in order

schoolwork

will be working on:

bruce's film

(possibly) stella's film

bookbook recipes

portfolio website

designs of my own

finding dress form

ponzi the world

2009-03-09T08:51:00.000-07:00

“We created a way of raising standards of living that we can’t possibly pass on to our children,” said Joe Romm, a physicist and climate expert who writes the indispensable blog climateprogress.org. We have been getting rich by depleting all our natural stocks — water, hydrocarbons, forests, rivers, fish and arable land — and not by generating renewable flows.

“You can get this burst of wealth that we have created from this rapacious behavior,” added Romm. “But it has to collapse, unless adults stand up and say, ‘This is a Ponzi scheme. We have not generated real wealth, and we are destroying a livable climate ...’ Real wealth is something you can pass on in a way that others can enjoy.”

from nyt

spoiled milk

2009-03-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

my roommate informs me this morning she complains to the guy who works at the bodega across the street half-and-half sold to her is always spoiled. he says they always turn off the freezers at night to save money on energy. roommate goes to produce shop around the corner and finds out they do the same thing. speculation: polish grocery store down the block (only major grocery store in ten block radius) turns off freezers (INCLUDING MEAT FREEZERS) to save money. when my mom was visiting, she did tell me never to buy meat from that store, because it all looked kinda rotten to her.

solution: local schmocal. take N to 8th ave and shop at the bay ridge chinatown grocers, where they do not turn off their goddam freezers to save money and potentially kill customers! turnover: high. everything is FRESH. F.M.L.!!!

loud music

2009-03-08T19:39:00.001-07:00

A few months ago, a yoga studio / art gallery opened across the street. Okay, not too bad. Now it seems like they are also a discoteque. In a semi-residential neighborhood. And I just thought the late night music, cabs, and shouting the last few nights was from some party going on at someone's house. Tonight is Sunday night and day light savings and they are blasting one nineties slow jam hit after another. What can I say? F.M.L.!!!

Well, at least it's R & B ... I guess.

Update: Bruce files first noise complaint ever in his life. I never thought this day would happen, but it has!

seasonal update

2009-03-08T05:53:00.000-07:00

watch out, it's a personal post.

gah, i've been having worse pains in my legs, especially in the joints. it's times like these it's really hard to be a good person. the pain engrosses me to the point i have a hard time remembering any sort of definition of fun. thinking about being upbeat and "count your blessings" is slap in the face. i just have to lay in bed until i have enough energy to block out the pain again. (i refuse to take any more meds than i have to, so no painkillers and not even tylenol). the good news is that my protein levels are better and i am tapering down the prednisone. the unpleasant thing is that i'm tapering during spring break, so it's not going to be a wonderful break as tapering's a beez. i will be exhausted and deeply deeply depressed until my adrenal glands are adjusted. (in retrospect, how ridiculous i tapered during fashion week ... it took two weeks to recover from that). i'm still on the same dose of cellcept, but it's been pretty tolerable.

all in all, i'm learning to feel out what's going on with my body systems this time around, but it's been utterly exhausting juggling a lot of things at the same time -- which is a decision i made. i could have gone back to california, but i am STAYING PUT! why? i love you guys!!! the weather's shit, the food is not as fresh, but jesus, it's times like these i realize how much i love my friends and i love the city. (i am sacrificing my health for you, NY, you better recognize!)

one of the saddest things for me is missing out on events constantly. i think i only make it to about 10% of dinners/ parties/ appointments/ whatever gatherings that happen. even my own goddam medical appointments i can't make at times (well, i did have eight appointments and tests scheduled last week, which is ridiculous with school). this is just pathetic. i am utterly determined to get my life back.

things

2009-03-01T05:28:00.000-08:00

i am very, very slowly whittling away at my tremendous to-do list, so apologies if i've gone straight hermit these last few weeks. i am in serious efficiency lone robot mode. a sad little robot, but getting the work done nonetheless. so, i miss you, thank you for bearing with me, and i hope to see you very soon!

things i am appreciating right now:

things! (thanks kathy!)
phone texting in gmail chat
google flutrends
google alerts
aretha franklin radio on pandora

i started a very rudimentary cooking blog, but it is private until i get the images right. (i keep reading these buddhist life-application things that tell you in essence to let go of your perfectionism and accept things the way they are, but as design-type persons, isn't this the very nature of our vocation? sigh.)

new clothes, the first six months

2009-02-23T04:37:00.000-08:00

i thought i would do a little reflective post on the 'first six months' of living in new york, but i wanted to make a list of my first six months' new clothing first!

september 2008 to february 2009

in order of appearance:

opening ceremony purple-ly flare coat in woolrich wool
o.c. black booties
chain with two black leather knotties by malababa
hope black tee in a weird silky space age textured cotton
hope black tee dress that buttons up the back
stephan schneider black silk cotton mini flare skirt
alpaca furry hairy slippers
acne robot cork-leather heeled oxfords
pendleton maroon wool work shirt from no relation vintage
rachel comey mud leather oxford wood clogs
black cut acrylic ring from prince street
clu pink puffy tank (thanks, d!)
souvenir x staci woo black linen sleeveless dress
steven alan sugar brown super big men's shawl-neck cardi
keep sneaks in black and blue (thanks, b!)
o.c. x stetson black extra wide-brim straw hat
obedient sons black n' beige fuzzy tweed blazer
american apparel blue-grey sweatshirt tee
(from k!!!)
o.c. white double collar box pleat blouse
o.c. x chloe sevigny white n' grey seersucker sleeveless oxford
o.c. grey wooly cardigan
o.c. brown heeled oxfords
o.c. neoprene sandals

i didn't realize i got so many new clothes since moving here, but i'm happy with all these new additions to my wardrobe family. also upon reflection, almost everything i bought seems to come from opening ceremony proper or a sample sale: project no. 8, steven alan, oc, obedient sons. everything else comes from 'presents' (or what i like to believe are presents)! i'm extra stoked about new clothes after coming here, because it's all design with lasting appeal (at least to me), and i wear pretty much everything constantly. my one regret is not having enough time to discover more thrift and vintage, my great love. for the future ...

this year, the aim is to buy less and spend more; i'm thinking maybe six or seven items at most for the rest of the year, but only pieces i spend a lengthy amount of time thinking about. no speed shopping; everything for 2009 must be SLOW, SLOW, SLOW!

relax

2009-02-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

WOOOHOOOO! We can finally sleep!

All I gotta do this sunny Sunday is go in and finish drawing the linesheets. And I can call it a day.

:)

two days to showdown

2009-02-11T18:20:00.001-08:00

model casting and fitting done by tomorrow

styling by the incredible haidee f-l

amazing amazing looks!!!

all pieces finished

set-up friday

show at 7 pm!

all growed up

2009-02-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

drawing by henry roundtree from lewis carroll's alice in wonderland at grandma's graphics (via drawn)

workin.' cookin.' changin' the dipes. staying up all hours of the night to feed a little one.

doin' something because you love someone else as much as yourself.

i saw squeek over the break and this was what i felt in the air, with the baby boy and the fresh nursery with a stencil of a hippo on a tiny branch. health, joy, new life. holding him in my arms, a little afraid i might drop him, how could i not feel the hopes of the world in him, this new little person whose entire existence relies on the love of his mother and father?

i remembered what it was to be innocent. thanks for that gift, squeek, our brand new mother.

i've spent more time with my mom this past week than i have since i was a grade school kid. it makes me happy. she's staying with me for a month to help me out, since i'm ill. i'm lucky and i'm loved. i'm lucky because i'm loved by her.

a lot of things have changed, and for the good. the things that are concrete are always there, and the things weren't, i guess they just melt away. i'm pretty tired, but it's not bad. it's simple: you don't start and end with your birth and your death. that's what i'm figuring out now.