mintcar

Thankfully the demon in my shoulder no longers sears, so I am feeling better physically. Chemically, it's another issue. :-]

Do you ever get those times when you really want to hurt or destroy things, even yourself? When you want to say: "Fuck you all" to the world, because you don't believe in any of it anymore? How does such disillusionment come? I guess one can point a finger the deviant that lies caged within all of us (to varying degrees), but it's nice to think of this evil little nature cosmically:

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: . . . a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
. . . a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
. . . a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1...8.

All this sighing and thinking about generalities n shit cuz I lost somebody's digital camera and now need to scramble to replace it. (Damn, I'm such an idiot!) But then there's this:

"I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life. And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labor, it is the gift of God." Ecclesiastes 3:12-13.

Yahoo! I guess I've also started to think this way partly because finals are nearing. I missed the bus today after class and waited one and a half hours for the next one to come, so I did a lot of useless thinking like this: [Jean's mind at 3:00 PM] "I believe I've become a speck in the scheme of things, and each second I live is becoming more and more a dust speck blown away by oblivion. (Is this normal?). I start getting angry! Roarrrr! Give me more of the attention I don't deserve! A little dust speck shouting to God, 'Make me special again!' How the hell can I be special but be like everyone else at the same time? Makes no sense except to cause a lot of trouble! Too many gray areas and paradoxes! I'll grow up being an outsider, I just know it." I think, now, fantasies about being a comic book hero come in handy. (I'm reminded of season two The Simpson's when Otto the busdriver conjures up a character called "Busman"). I actually think these times are useful when you start to lean too much on things other than your own visions of perfection (whatever that might be). (But the trick is ... can you make the imperfect your idea of "perfection"? I gotta start picking up on this Zen stuff).

Eek! I need to remember to get the Romeo and Juliet tickets. (BTW anyone who wants to see 'em with me, please let me know! It's being performed at Zellerbach the weekend at the end of Spring Break. But, on the brighter side of life (I watched Life of Brian again tonight): yay! I get to see my best boy in the world on Friday, and he's visiting next week!!! SIGH.