mintcar

letter i wrote October 16, 2002 (life as usual) goodness, i'm a fucking worrywart!

"...sometimes i like to imagine myself sitting atop the hill that i can see from my window ... the one all the way across the bay. its almost like a peak, and i think that from there i could see everything, and figure everything out ... maybe, there, life would become clear to me.

but then i realize im no guru, im just a small person in the scheme of things, ... even though (contradictorily) i have almost unlimited potential to .... (what)?

maybe i want to become naive again, but that's not a good way to live. there are tougher and tougher burdens as we get older, and maybe at some point (at least this is how the graph in my mind projects it) things become easier and easier again, because with your increased age and experience, you've become adjusted to this act called living, and have learned to really enjoy it. it would be nice to learn to enjoy things the way a benevolent God would have liked it.

sometimes i am looking for a simple solution for happiness. there's the option of looking to my childhood ... the innocent bliss (though not aware of the world), and then the years when i was really happy that i was becoming aware. how is it, these days, that the more aware i am, the less happy i am? maybe thats an easy question to answer (depending on how you look at it), but i am not a simple person (although i might be), and i think too much. so here i am, looking again for something to make me happy"

this is my pensive shit. right now, i'm starting to get this angry maelstrom inside. you know what all my pent up frustration REALLY is? take a guess, i'd rather not be blunt. perhaps consult Freud.