mintcar

Neglect

This is a common theme in my life right now, as each day I look around and see all the things I have yet to complete or return to unfinished. I know that if you neglect ... stagnation is not just lack of improvement--when left untouched things do not continue as they are, but degrade. I'm losing my carefulness, and I don't know if this is because I have so much more distraction, or because I'm subconsciously trying to escape a reality within which I would rather not exist. Speaking to you in these vague-ities doesn't help, I'm sorry.

This is how I see my existence: there is a careful order that is maintained by no one other than me. This is order is part a routine, part a memory of where everything goes: where the past is filed, and where everything fits into the plan--for now and the future. My learning and my memories are carefully itemized and analyzed briefly (valuable kernels extracted and added to the hominy that is my identity and values at the core), ideally. But, more and more, I am losing my memories, and that I do not know how or why this is happening frightens me. I'm afraid it's because of a deep disatisfaction, and that I am saving the empty slots in my head for a perfect future that is yet to be achieved. Or that today is meaningless; why bother to remember it? Where has the preciousness gone? (Although, not all is woe: writing this entry constitutes some sort of mark-making, thus meaning-making).

I read about archetypes of the modern self, and yep, I can the feel the Underground Man. But, I don't even have a goal to which I aspire. At least, when I think of such a goal (a role), I don't understand how ME doing it would be it any better than the next person who is similarly skilled. That's the loss I feel in such a large world. Little feeder fish in a big tank. What's the point, when we'll all be eaten anyway?

Posterity?