March 12, 2005

Why Work

It's so easy to forget what a sense of accomplishment feels like.

Sometimes I felt that studio allowed to me work and work and create a product, but it was so overwelming and tiring, that by the time critiques rolled around, I was in such a hazy-eyed stupor, grappling for words during my presentations that "accomplishment" wasn't really on my mind. And by the time I caught up all my sleep, I nearly forgot everything I did -- sort of like that post-midterm/final brain-dead state you get after you crawl out of the lecture hall. Having crammed your brain before the test, and exhausting it, your mind has suddenly, mysteriously forgotten everything you just spilled forth on paper. Like an almost empty shell, with vague memories of themes and theories.

But that sense of accomplishment is what drives me. When it's lost, I've lost my raison d'etre. I guess it's part of how someone can get so cynical within a five-year span -- so much work, but not knowing for what and to what end. I'd been holding onto a kite that flew away years ago.

This is the time to go back and reclarify what it was that had me going in the first place. What made me stay up those nights, dream about it in my sleep. The meaning of the work that I wanted to achieve, and why.

I want to thank you who surrounded me with ideas, wisdom, support, a fever for knowing new things, a love of constant motion, and thinking about the world in grays. You are the best inspiration.

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