The hardest thing to do these days is accepting contradictions. For example, getting along with people who make you mad. Or finding comfort at your family's suburban home even though you despise the location. Or enjoying a movie like Batman Begins even though it tells you there are samurai and ninjas in Tibet. Or going on with your life even though you believe there are things in the world that ought to fundamentally change and you are helpless to change it. Making money while you ought to be saving lives.
It's something I talked about quite frequently when I was living in Shanghai. Things are easier when you let go of your judgments, and ultimately, your expectations.
But, now that I'm back in the Bay Area, my mindset's returned to black/white (which is admittedly part of the American landscape, in some sense, isn't it?) As much as there is tolerance, there's just as much intolerance to the Intolerant Right. It's a real visceral disconnect, hatred that I feel in my gut as I drive up from the ultra left Berkeley to the conservative Central Valley. Coming back from China, I've noticed a few things in my personality have slightly magnified: hyper-individualism, a faith in heroics, sentimentality - then, anti-sentimentality, social paranoia, and megalomania. (Ok, you might be laughing. I can't say that's all environmental, but I have this terrible tendency to absorb my surroundings emotionally.) Things that I once only dismissed as problematic or need fixing are now downright wrong and shouldn't exist. Socialist to Nihilist.
I know there is something wrong with this, but I'm not sure what I can do about it. Appease my guilt and do more for the community? Detach myself from the culture and live by my eccentric personal ethos? Move out of the country? (Go to Tibet and learn true discipline from secret society ninjas?)
As I drove to the valley this afternoon, I sped past acres of abundant fields - sunflowers, corn. And in my head, I thought, I don't have to love this country's people or its leaders, but I do feel lucky to be here. After all, I have the freedom to be a nutcase.
Happy birthday America. Don't let the greedy bastards get you!
July 3, 2005
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2 comments:
felt something similar this past weekend while visiting villages in the sapa mountains of north vietnam. realized (again) that the things like individualism and notions of achievement that are so engrained in my body are in no way universal, and that this initial feeling of "what can i do to help the people here?" should be kept in check.
still, couldn't help but feel glad to learn that a Swiss NGO is investing money into the Sapa area while reading a newspaper in my Hanoi hotel.
yeah ... can't help where you came from. my dad told me ... guilt and bitterness doesn't do any good for anyone.
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