December 29, 2005

home

after not being home for a while, the initial shock of being at home is best described as going from minimal to maximal: from sparse (even crude) essentials of my apartment in san francisco to a brightly lit house abundant with food, books, blankets, puppies, and warm bodies.

at home, i'm simultaneously reminded of 'the way i was' and slightly frightened by the hyper-naked, 'essentialist' lifestyle i lead now. at home, i open the medicine cabinet for toothpaste and there are twelve bottles of perfume (a good example of all my 'old' excess). i happen upon hundreds of shoes throughout the house, a full closet that seems to belong to the doppelganger jean that is living there right now (can i add that reaping old clothes to wear again is like second christmas?) the snack pantry stacked sky-high with carbohydrates -- who eats all this stuff? this kind of thing doesn't happen in my apartment! there's just more of everything. i turn around and around, distracted by other objects and goods, wondering exactly why i came to the kitchen in the first place.

most startlingly, there's a lot of shouting, loud laughter, and babbling everywhere. but, how good it is. it's being around the people i'm so comfortable with, i could confess anything, cry, laugh, and show my most unflattering wake-up moment for entire days, tease endlessly, intimidate and then scream at after losing to them at video games, all they while, they still like me (love me, even) that keeps me in touch with reality.

in stark contrast, this half year of 'serious' business: staring at hard-line drawings, thousands of square feet of metal and marble (and that fucking white plastic!), shouting matches with incompetent contractors, vendors, and architects, hard-nosed bosses' bosses, manic depressive coworkers, cubicle cliques with high strung unspoken etiquette. on top of this, losing friends, losing hearts ... ... ... alas, it's left me tired and a little bit crazy.

oh, but how easy it is to step out of that skin! (i forgot how easy it is)! thank you, friends and family. there's nothing like being with you and all your maximal-ness to clear my mind, remind myself of what, behind the busy-ness and sparse beauty, i should never forget.

3 comments:

andrea said...

crikey. this feels like a post i would write, except for the fact that i run home more often than you do. the only thing that catches me off-guard and leaves me flustered and forgetful is the television. especially when it's left on a major network.

"in stark contrast, this half year of 'serious' business: staring at hard-line drawings, thousands of square feet of metal and marble (and that fucking white plastic!), shouting matches with incompetent contractors, vendors, and architects, hard-nosed bosses' bosses, manic depressive coworkers, cubicle cliques with high strung unspoken etiquette. on top of this, losing friends, losing hearts ... ... ... alas, it's left me tired and a little bit crazy."

that fucking white plastic, indeed! fucking apple's aesthetic! we could say volumes on this very topic. we could go to a bar just to bitch about it. it has made me very reactionary to "new & newer technology".... but jumpdrives/flashdrives are bringing me back into the fold.

cubicle cliques with high strung unspoken etiquette,
shouting matches with incompetent/inept ___ (some who exercise a form of vague impunity),
manic-depressive co-workers,
hard-nosed this, stubborn that...

this is all so familiar to me! all the staring, and all the losing, too, of course.

i was reflecting on my own past 4 months with my dad, as well as friends' post-graduation work experiences. he made a basic conclusion about most-all kids our age- "they're too impatient! the 1st job is always undesirable!"

but yours seems remarkable- i can't begin to imagine how horrible it is- there are only three (3) people working on your team? at the rate that the company is expanding?? i can hardly believe it.. then again, i'm pretty ignorant. i promise to buy you drinks in january!!

Lillian said...

jeez, you're making me cry.

jean said...

i don't think it's good to be too reactionary.

my dad said the exact same thing about jobs, and i begged to differ. i mean, is "everyone's first job sucks" a good reason to get beat down by a shitty job? oh money. how i hate thee.

... yes drinks please!