December 3, 2005

a little self-inquiry

j. nichols

Hello Jean.

Hi there. How are you?

Good. And yourself?

... mmm. I'm in ambiguous states. As usual, eh? I'm not sure what I'm doing here at all.

What do you mean?

It's that -- I feel confused about lots of things. Um, I don't have faith in a lot of things. Things like love and god. And progress. Things like that ... The idea of faithlessness doesn't scare me, but it makes me feel like a real nihilist.

I can see why you might feel that way. But, isn't there something that gives meaning to your life?

I wish I could give you a concrete answer ... learning about the world, making things that are perhaps frivolous. I like things like that -- stuff that reminds me of being a child. No, I don't mean remind; um, I mean stuff that actually changes the way I think. It's going back to a time without pretense. I hate habit and regularity that creeps up on you without knowing it just because it is part of accepting the system in which we exist. I want to think in a way that is utterly free of this.

Well, don't you think this is absolutely possible?

Yes, but it doesn't take much to knock me down sometimes ... I guess I've lead a life with too much Black and White. It's made me very afraid of being hurt, afraid of risk. Internally, I am very high strung, I think, because of this tension. It creates rigor, but an excessive, harmful kind of rigor. Like, I am always evaluating actions, consequences, memes. I'd like to slip into a more relaxed mode. I'd like to be independent, but as fearless as a child. My mom and dad always told me to stop thinking so much.

You should.

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