mintcar

Following the flow of my present condition (desperate in Roseville!), I've taken more time to think about what the hell i did this year (alternately entitled "what the hell happened to me this year?" -scratching head-). Thanks to Ben, an enigmatic, ultimately very cool (in the seemingly placid, deeply thoughtful sense of the word), friend, I've started thinking about certain things, or more specifically, thinking about the way I think about certain things. He brought up some stuff that I never carefully considered before. Meta thinking is not a waste of time, I've concluded. Thanks to the miracles of free, modern blogging (and google) it's been pretty simple going back through these files of the past year ... tracing the patterns ... seeing the change in language with the (unwritten, and perhaps indescribable) change in setting, knowledge accessed & pondered, events (the least to the most affecting), and reactions, and the kinds of thoughts I have floating around near my head at those times--which, really does prove ... what you think, the way you think affects you to your core. Or rather, what & the way you choose to think.

To lend some tangible organization to this messy memory, I've re-archived the blog by month. I'm going to read them again, all some 84 pages of word document (yep, this blog in total would be 84 pages long in ms word). This is really weird for me, because I RARELY, i mean less than once in a blue moon, ever 'go back' and read the stuff I've written about my life. The reason I write stuff down is because I feel like it at the moment, I have a spurt of thought that I need to express; it's more of a communicative tool, like a shout. Once expressed, it's a closed chapter. It vanishes. I never thought it'd be truly useful to actually refer and reflect on it! I think I'll let you know what I've concluded from my findings after I've read everything; I think a lot of it has to do with fighting off loneliness, longing, and a sense of interminable distance. Thanks, Ben. You might not ever fully know it, but you've really helped me tonight.