a rant

CHEMO SUCKS. Yes, I am back on. (And, I don't care if anyone [reading this blog] knows I am a 'sick person' or not anymore.) I am so tired of acting not tired!

With your loving support, I have been treated for this illness for the last three years, and I have not complained once on this blog, but I realize that complaining out loud is much much better than complaining in your head and acting like nothing's wrong. (So, LET IT OUT, ladies!)

If talking about illness makes you squeamish, you should skip reading this entry -- just a warning. I hate my meds. I am taking eleven different prescription drugs (not even including the supplements), two of which cause things like this: osteoporosis, hair loss, major depression, raising the possibility of getting blood and skin cancers in the future because they do all sorts of weird fucked up things to your molecules, bloating (after everything I eat, even a single walnut!), atrophied muscles, constant muscle cramps, high blood pressure and blood sugar levels (if I am on this long enough, I might get diabetes). Not to mention the overwelming, mind-numbing FATIGUE and JITTERS. It's being utterly exhausted but being unable to sleep (luckily something I am quite familiar with in absolutely unhealthy architecture studio - HA!) It doesn't help that one of the drugs will let me sleep only four hours a night. FUN! That's chemo!

(As you can guess, a lot of the other meds are for propping myself up into a functioning human being in spite of those two's side effects).

You know I hate to the be the type of writer who dispenses platitudes, but please listen to me when I say this: if you are young and have not had medical ailments, you are SO SO SO blessed. Good health, more than anything, is absolutely precious. Do not take it for granted.

Being like an old rickety person at the prime of my life forces me to think about a lot of things that my peers are not really worried about at all. I am constantly worried about my health insurance. I spend hours mulling about how I am going to pay for this chemo drug that is $850 a month (not even including the other drugs I have to buy). While I was partially employed before, I was paying an extremely affordable $450 a month for continuing health insurance, but today if I try to get health coverage for myself as a freelance person with this 'pre-existing condition,' I would most definitely be rejected from the vast majority of insurance companies or pay something like $1500 a month or more for decent coverage.

Since being diagnosed, my family and I were thrown into the deep end of health-care and self-care fiascos. But, I am a lucky one. There are folks who struggle tenfold my struggle who have way more financial burden, way more pain, and much less opportunity.

So, it ain't a walk in the park, but it ain't all hell either. I might have more to say in the future, but I just had to let that out. Thanks for reading, guys. You're the best.