August 13, 2009

brain works

sorry every other post is from the new york times; i guess you know where most of my source material comes from now. (anyway, i have to tell you i am addicted to the nyt app for iphone. it's bad news. har har. i read it in bed before i am fully awake and then read it to lull myself to sleep ... often proceeded by weird news-y dreams).

here's a great article that made me cry. it's about the neurological effects of toxic drugs people have no choice but to take. (these drugs, among many things, are definitely a reason science and medicine have a LONG ASS way to go in terms of treating illnesses, and that, notwithstanding bad luck, relying on these things [instead of being educated and taking care of yourself] for a good healthy life is a major mistake.)

takes me back to 2006. at that time, all that i had of my so called former life (pre-treatment) was dunzo ... intellectual appetite, good temperament, strong memory. perhaps my greatest panic came when in the hospital i could not read a single fucking sentence out of a beat up issue of Time magazine and comprehend it. the letters themselves began to blur into one another and actually became painful to my whole body to even look at. and when has ever the written word been anything but a beloved companion to me much less a cruel joke from a hateful torturer? the agony to feel that you might never have the ability to read again? now that i look back i realize the greatest loss for me was not a loss of physical strength itself but that it compounded a profound loss of self.

it took a good three years to get back up to speed. i mean, i could not concentrate on their words when people spoke to me, i had problems with stuttering (still do), couldn't draw without feeling the urge to cry, basically everything to teach me how it feels like to have blunted every mental ability that made you the person you were. do you feel stupid and out of your mind and weak? yes. yes, you do. that you experience powerlessness to stop a club to the head, from drugs that perpetrate violence on your body? you betcha. i still feel ADD sometimes (my sister says i have the attention span of a goldfish) and some tips recommend ritalin, but i don't want to eat more shit. oh well, that's life, and so be it. things are well, and what the hell, i better be thankful i am young and i have what i have. there are no more complaints, that's for sure.

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