December 20, 2009


what a weird year. at the end of it, i want to sit quietly and do absolutely nothing. a weird, agonizing year. very noisy, very mindless at many times. the picture in my head is: riding a whirling spinner, and a paint brush that keeps smearing your face with gaudy, fantastic colors as you spin by. it makes me quite sad to think about it, but when the end of the year comes, i guess you naturally think of the end of things. but, i like thinking about it, because i feel like i'm getting closer to the true nature of something. having been taught there is no true nature to anything, i suppose i like the feeling of reaching and longing for it. it just doesn't stay very long.

it's good to be back home, where i have a lot of quiet time. space is vast here and solitude is the state in which individuals settle. i can finally hear those thoughts. things do not need to be very complicated. it gets lonely, but reassuringly lonely. far away, hiding and sleeping. i like that. three weeks is a good time. after that, maybe i could be ready to go back, but most likely not. i choose never to be ready.

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