March 25, 2011


Now, these are some drafts composed after my second flare hit (coming out of remission with a vengeance):

I have to religiously apply sunscreen and care for the health of my skin (which is its own organ, you know!), even though I don't most of the time. I weigh myself at least twice a day to check my water weight. I spend a lot of money on food and spend a lot of time cooking. Lots and lots of things I never gave a second thought to before are a part of my routine now.

This is a good sign. I am starting to do a lot more research on the lupus literature at this point. Slowly but surely ... but after this point, blog posting becomes quite scarce for various reasons. One is juggling school and a serious illness, and acclimating to the curtailed lifestyle of a semi-invalid. The other is the mind-fucking properties of steroids, which I like to equate to one long, continuous horrible drug trip that doesn't end, especially not in my sleep ... for over one year.

Mid-year, things get better. But we are also living in a place we no longer want to live in for various reasons that are too triggering to be divulged at the moment Anyhoo ... the summer of 2009 is quite nice it seems. Come fall, there an unposted reflection / summary:

i've been in new york for a little less than a year now. in this year, obama became president as a man who tells the truth, american banking was called out as fraud, and in new york, the the summer never came. i also started school again after four years, overworked myself and had a flare in my illness, and (i wouldn't say "braved", but maybe ...) got dished my first really snowy winter without coming prepared with adequate boots.

it takes time to adapt to a new environment, but this was more of a jolt than living in a country where i couldn't read the written word. (sometimes living in a place so familiar but is new to you is more jarring than finding yourself in another country where you are obviously an outsider, right?) ah ... being an outsider! of course, starting school again after four years has something to do with it. and, it's also that i haven't found much time to relax. this town managed to call forth a number of my vices (working obsessively, not eating, among all sorts of misogyny and self-misogynies). well, i got it out at the start (let's hope it's purge before the really good stuff starts happening)! being in fashion, a place rife with people insecure about themselves based on really stupid things (to an attenuated degree) - another maze to navigate? (can't really find the right metaphors anymore) ... if anything, i've been super lucky to figure out a lot of things about ... things ... purely by contrast. at the same time, i have found some friends and have been able to work with absolutely awesome people who i deeply admire.

October finds me deep pining again for San Francisco / California in general. And then we zip ahead to the following year, when I am on break ...

after being fucking exhausted pretty much the entire time i've been back from california, i decided to let today be a day of unabashed internet surfing, one of my true pleasures in life. and, i hate the feeling of left-hanging after leaving all those entries in my google reader checked "saved" for later. there's nothing like the delight of unearthing cultural gems to wash away the numbness you've developed from over-exposure to fashion chaos (and mixing metaphors). if i see another person acting chipper when they're mean or talk about editorial dressing, i will heave my body out the nearest window!!
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