March 25, 2011


more unpublished drafts from the recent past ...


i am so jealous of all those great blogs out there (so fucking many now - i am thinking back to 2004 - oh how the internets have changed)! i don't have any time to cultivate this blog in that way. maybe i could post some items now and then, but since starting work, i feel like anything i pick up relates to work, which becomes information held in confidence. i can't share that work because it doesn't belong only to me anymore. which reminds me i don't do any work for me, myself, and i anymore. not that i have a problem with that, but i guess i feel like my life becomes more and more private every day. i like it!

anyhow, the reason for this post written in this rambling manner is because of an article i read in the nyt (my sole source of information about the outside world still [besides nymag] it seems - not related to movies or fashion). it's about these like 19 year old dudes with a vision of utopia (ok maybe i am putting words into their mouths) - man versus the corporation known as facebook; privacy versus panopticon. their spirit is titillating to anyone with a bit of that rebel in them, and they've riled up more than a few geek libertarians, considering they've surpassed their seed capital goal of $10,000 twelve-fold on kickstarter. i mean, i don't know how much other projects on kickstarter have raised in the past, but it sounds pretty impressive.

i hate facebook only when you're having an extra shitty day and your news feed seems to be nothing but a filthy lot of pollyannas. also, how weird it is to get these one-way communications from people, some of whom you barely know. the usual complaints. however, i do think the crap they do with the privacy stuff is HELLA SHADY. i don't trust them at all. i wanted to "deactivate" my account (since you can't actually delete it - SHADY!!!) but then b convinced me i should stay on it purely for the critical mas

i think i am right to be paranoid about internet security. the side stating non-anonymity-accountability has some points, but still does not seem to overshadow these companies are owned by entities who might not have your best interests in mind.

weighing myself

i really really really need to cut down on the salt intake.

i am actually underweight for my height (in a positive term: thin), so people tend to wonder why i watch my weight so carefully. i keep an electric scale next to my bed, and i weigh myself each morning and evening. i am far from any sort of eating disorder, as i am a ferocious eater and would never give a shit about my weight if i didn't have to. unfortunately, i have to monitor it closely because it gives me an idea of my water retention.

a dietician told me a persons weight will fluctuate 2 to 3 pounds a day from eating and drinking. when you you fluctuate 5 pounds (ie gain 5 pounds), something's kind of wrong. for me, these 5 pounds usually mean i've been eating too much salt and/or i've been overworking myself and my kidneys want to kill themselves. it's water retention. my base weight is generally 100 to 101 pounds after a nice round of diuretics. the last few days i've been hovering around 105. it seems like small fry, but it is 5% of my body weight, like gaining a i wake up feeling swollen and my ankles are visibly swollen. so -- i will take some diuretics, feel the shitty side effects for a few days (aching muscles, overall flu-ish incoherence, dehydration), and get that weight down.

if i really want to facilitate it, i'd cut out most of my salt intake (no eating out AT ALL) for a week, do sweaty aerobics every day, and take long saunas (that sounds nice). unfortunately, none of the latter happens. so i take diuretics. but at the very last moment (four times last month - a great progress!). i read if you take them for a long time, your kidneys can become dependent, which is kind of scary, but i figure it is better to not overtax my body retaining all this fluid than take a water pill once a week. i think i should ask my doctor about this ... also, HOWEVER, constant weight fluctuation is also bad ... so ... something's got to happen about this.

See why I didn't publish these? These things are horribly BORING to read! This blog is meant to light fare, so once I became incapable of composing levity, it went away.

something i fear constantly is the

when someone acts uncompassionately, i find it usually means a lack of understanding and a good, clear-headed explanation gives them enough reason to open up. sometimes it takes years and years. and other times, there's no more reason to exert the effort - let it be.

What am I talking about in such vague terms?? Beats me, but it is a nice thought.


i finally went to a dr's appt (three months since the last)! i've been making excuses and missing past appointments, failing to reschedule, etc etc. each time it's a sordid reminder of something being wrong with me, very specifically, down to the tiny measures of protein and blood complements. however, none of it quantifies actual physical qualities of being sick (or not optimally well). from my blood and urine tests last month, i learn my 24-hr protein's pretty much plateaued around 200 mg, the complements are still low, a-dsDNA is still loopy. on top of that, my nephrologist decides to tell me now i should be careful and see all my other specialists to check for cancers because my meds make em all more likely to grow ... skin, cervical, what have you. i'm almost sure there are millions of little mutating cells throughout my body. i picture my white blood cells getting high and lazying about as the little creeps bandy and riot. it's kind of cute.

i asked my dr if he has nephritis patients who are able to work full time (aka resume normal life). according to my numbas (that god forsaken lab sheet from which we try to wring some clues) i am ok. by all accounts, i should be a fully functioning adult. but why am i not?

now i wonder if it has to do with my sleep quality? i have had crazy insomnia for a long time. i know have completely empty spaces in my memory, and i will not be able to recall timelines. especially when i am fatigued, i will have incredible trouble remembering anything. but trying to reclaim those memories are futile and useless.

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