mintcar

When people hurt me directly, I suspect it's that we are incompatible, (viewpoints, personalities, desires). For example, if some guy in a car waves his fist at me because he thinks I cut him off, I get pissed off. But, if some guy who I dated tells me that he is actually 'shopping around,' I get sad AND pissed off. The way I see it, it's usually either my fault or that person's fault (depending on if i'm feeling disappointed or angry--when i'm angry, it helps me cope with disappointment), even if it really isn't. This is just the way I deal with things. But, when people hurt me inadvertantly, I start to question the quality of people as a species . . . how self-destructive and deceitful they can be. Even the best of them.

Then, it's not just a matter of the individuals' integrity and how i personally get along with them . . . the stuff that happened to other people becomes a social problem: what could I have done? Was there anyway to have stopped it from happening? Did I influence it in anyway? It just hurts when people keep so many secrets inside them. Even when they keep secrets because they think that these things will hurt you if you knew. What's worse -- knowing or not knowing? I have to say, recently there has been more than one time when I really wished that I was kept in the dark. In fact, that's how I've started to cope: stop thinking about it.

I'm just sick of being disillusioned. What's happened, happened . . . hence, I like to imagine "I never gave a fuck, now I give a fuck less."

Even though it might not be true.